Long Time No See.

Begin of blog song: Skinny Soul- Family

     I came out to my parents. My father disowned me, my mother cried. She still loves me, though, I haven't spoken to my father since I told him, though he did take it upon himself to tell my grandmother about me and ask my mum to kick me out. This was in either the end of August or the beginning of summer. I don't remember.
     Remember that girlfriend I talked about before? Well, that's over, more than over, that crashed at 180mph on the highway, and I'm roadkill. She's okay, though, or at the very least she acts okay. I don't know.
    Everything's back to normal, everything was like it was before. I still lock myself in my room and cry, I still feel like I'm drowning, I still try to convince myself that someday, someday soon maybe, everything will be okay. The only problem is, I stopped believing myself.
     Still writing, I broke my old laptop and lost everything that was on it, I mean everything but that's just my luck eh. Starting over from scratch isn't horrible, I wrote down most of my stuff, either on paper or in my email, so yeah.
     I don't know, seems like this is the only place I can turn to, y'know? There really isn't anyone else, or if there is I don't feel comfortable or safe turning to them. So I guess there isn't really anyone. Oh wow, I thought I was past all this, I thought I was finally beginning to accept things and be happy maybe. God, was I ever fucking wrong.

End of blog song: This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco.

Going Crazy.

My head is not a safe place for me to be anymore. Recently (though not really) I've been experiencing these "episodes" where I will completely break down and lose control of myself and my thoughts. During these "episodes" I lose the ability to construct full sentences and tend to repeat words a lot (today's word was fuck), I become very annoyed and short with myself, refer to myself as you and sometimes I lash out violently (hitting a wall... or sometimes myself). I might've called this a side effect of my anxiety, but I've had anxiety attacks before and they're not like this. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Sleep, is for the weak.

GOTTA. STAY. AWAKE.

Urgh.

Begin of blog song: Burn It Down- Linkin Park  
 
     I feel like I should come with a disclaimer, you know? Something like, "Warning, this character is extremely fucked up and my lash out at you for no fucking reason."
     Tumblr's a nice place, I'm meeting some pretty cool people from there, even getting some 'anon' love, which is great. The thing is, tumblr is also a very lonely place, and I'm starting to figure that out.
     Uhm, lately I've been in a really messed up place and I don't really know what to do. I want to cry almost all the time and it's so goddamn frustrating. It really hurts to think that the woman who raised you, the woman who fought so hard for you to be here (on this earth) is willing to throw all of that away because you're a chick that likes other chicks, or a dude that likes other dudes, or someone that likes both, or someone who wants to be the other. It's a total fuck up.
     I really like this site, so even though I'm on tumblr now, this'll always be my home. To those of you dealing with something similar or are just going through a hard time, I'm here for you, I care, and you are not alone.

End of blog song: And Darling- Tegan and Sara.

One More Year.

I need to get out of this house. Living here is killing me. I'm willing to take a year off of school to make this happen. I'm willing to do this because that's a step forward while living here is the equivalent of twelve steps back.

Update: I  did, in fact, make it out, and I didn't have to take a year off in order to do so.

I'm so tired, and I don't even know why. Thank the heavens that it's officially March Break and I can just sleep the week away.

Faith.

[Have Faith In Me- A Day To Remember] 

     I have come to the realization that the only one who will ever have enough faith in me, (or any at all) is myself.  Yes, I have family and friends that say they, "support" me, or "believe" in me, but I honestly doubt that any of them have faith in me. I feel like I've put my life on hold waiting for someone to have faith in me, to not doubt me when I say I am going to do something. But no more, whether or not there is someone by my side, someone who never gives up on me. I will have faith in me, and I will get where I need to in life, even if that means I have to at the beginning, even if that means doing it alone.

It's all I asked for, but I'm done waiting.