I've been on a bender these last few days and picked up on an old habit. A habit that no one even knew that I had to begin with. So, when I slipped back into ways, (sleeping longer, stumbling over words and sentences, sitting quietly with a slightly not there smile, tripping over my own feet), nobody noticed. Not, in the ways that I needed them to. They asked me if I weren't feeling well, and accepted, "I'm just tired" as an answer.
It all started when my brother died, the nights have always been the worst for me, because of the night terrors I get when I am able to get some sleep. But I quickly realized, that the images and thoughts and voices don't disappear in the mornings either.
University is stressful, my stepdad is facing deportation, my grandmother needs surgery and it started, how it always starts. I just wanted to get some fucking sleep. I was so tired of not being able to stop the dreams, of never feelings rested, of always being on.
So, I took two. Only two... at first. But then, the morning came, and the voices and images, well, they were still there, so I took one more, and the day went on, and I took another, and another, and as many as I could to just stop it all and not feel any of it. Not the loneliness, not the anger, the helplessness, the fear.
I was so scared, and last night, somebody finally noticed that something was wrong, that I was more than just tired. Somebody finally took the time to listen to my story, finally cared in ways that I crave to be cared for.
No, the itch isn't gone, and the pills taunt me from their new hiding place buried beneath the crap in my nightside table.
I don't think anyone ever stops being an addict, but I do think that it's possible to gain control over your addiction. A few years ago I wouldn't have been the one to admitting that I need help, I would have ignored anyone who told me that I deserved better, that I am better.
I'm going to be twenty next month, I want to believe.
I want to believe, and I am so thankful that I have someone like her to
End of blog song: My Hero; Paramore (cover).
* On the road to recovery, in the presence of relapse and the quest for control, please remember to never use others as a substance replacement. Don't make another person your new poison, it's not fair to them, and it's not fair to you. Sometimes life happens and people have to go away, don't make their absence be the reason for another relapse. You deserve better. We all do.
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