Begin of blog song: Please don't go; Barcelona
What do you do when your ex is manipulative and emotionally abusive? What do you do when you know that you should go, but you feel like you can't? What do you do when you start making excuses for them and brushing off their behaviour? What do yu do when every time that you try to leave they find ways to pull you back in. What do you do, when someone comes to you asking for advice on an identical situation to your own, but you're too proud to admit that you won't be any help because you're in the exact same sinking ship that they are?
End of blog song: You; Keaton Henson.
Saturday, 22 August 2015
Wednesday, 19 August 2015
uhm uh... hmm
Begin of blog song: Wonderland; Taylor Swift
So, tomorrow I have a meeting with one of my friends to plan my going away/home away from home, house-warming party, and today I have to clean my room. Like, I don't have to clean my room, but I totally do, I keep using the move as an as excuse as to why I don't have to/can't (all of my packed stuff are just laying around with nowhere really to go). Honestly, though, I just want to sleep, the only motivation that I have to actually clean is that I hate leaving things for last minute. Hopefully, my random bout of nausea passes in time for me to actually do something with my day, though.
In other news, I've somehow managed to get one of my friends upset with me, I'm not too concerned though because I technically didn't do anything. Like I asked this friend to stop sending me pictures every time they get a cut/scrape because it's something that I'm just not good dealing with (that's not to say that they can't talk to me when they're feeling hurt or when they've gotten hurt, just don't send me photographic evidence). Anyways, she sent me a snapchat today, of her going bowling and then another of an injury that she's gotten that needed stitches so I sent her back a snap saying "congrats on the game", and a text saying (yet again,) "please stop sending me pictures of your cuts" and somehow that got under her skin but like whatever. I'm not her parent, I don't have to kiss her wounds better.
End of blog song: Bad (rendition); SoMo.
So, tomorrow I have a meeting with one of my friends to plan my going away/home away from home, house-warming party, and today I have to clean my room. Like, I don't have to clean my room, but I totally do, I keep using the move as an as excuse as to why I don't have to/can't (all of my packed stuff are just laying around with nowhere really to go). Honestly, though, I just want to sleep, the only motivation that I have to actually clean is that I hate leaving things for last minute. Hopefully, my random bout of nausea passes in time for me to actually do something with my day, though.
In other news, I've somehow managed to get one of my friends upset with me, I'm not too concerned though because I technically didn't do anything. Like I asked this friend to stop sending me pictures every time they get a cut/scrape because it's something that I'm just not good dealing with (that's not to say that they can't talk to me when they're feeling hurt or when they've gotten hurt, just don't send me photographic evidence). Anyways, she sent me a snapchat today, of her going bowling and then another of an injury that she's gotten that needed stitches so I sent her back a snap saying "congrats on the game", and a text saying (yet again,) "please stop sending me pictures of your cuts" and somehow that got under her skin but like whatever. I'm not her parent, I don't have to kiss her wounds better.
End of blog song: Bad (rendition); SoMo.
Tuesday, 18 August 2015
Moving
Begin of blog song: Happy With Me; HolyChild.
So, as you may or may not know, I will officially be moved out of my mum's house on the 31st. I'm excited, looking for furniture, thinking about how I'm going to decorate, once again being in charge of my own grocery shopping. I can't wait! I've been packed since like the beginning of August, I've been looking at beds since before then, but holy fuck, I have just found the world's best bed and I am in love. I'll be the first to admit that the place that I'm moving into is a closet, it's a two bedroom upstairs apartment with hardly enough room to turn around in (luckily for me, my roommate and I are fairly tiny). So, as you know, while dealing with limited space, storage is everything, and I have just found a bed to answer all of my prayers... one catch, it's two hundred dollars out of budget.
(This is seriously the holy grail of single beds) Here's the thing, I know that I can convince my mum to get it for me, all I have to do is save all of my other wants for another day from when I can afford them myself, in all practicality the bed is perfect, not to mention it's a bed that I will be sleeping in for the next three years, a sound investment, but just because it can be done, does it mean that it should be? In the end, I'm sure it'll be best to stick to the budget, but a girl can dream.
- peace out girl scouts (wish me luck on my move!).
End of blog song: Make a Shadow; Meg Myers
So, as you may or may not know, I will officially be moved out of my mum's house on the 31st. I'm excited, looking for furniture, thinking about how I'm going to decorate, once again being in charge of my own grocery shopping. I can't wait! I've been packed since like the beginning of August, I've been looking at beds since before then, but holy fuck, I have just found the world's best bed and I am in love. I'll be the first to admit that the place that I'm moving into is a closet, it's a two bedroom upstairs apartment with hardly enough room to turn around in (luckily for me, my roommate and I are fairly tiny). So, as you know, while dealing with limited space, storage is everything, and I have just found a bed to answer all of my prayers... one catch, it's two hundred dollars out of budget.
(This is seriously the holy grail of single beds) Here's the thing, I know that I can convince my mum to get it for me, all I have to do is save all of my other wants for another day from when I can afford them myself, in all practicality the bed is perfect, not to mention it's a bed that I will be sleeping in for the next three years, a sound investment, but just because it can be done, does it mean that it should be? In the end, I'm sure it'll be best to stick to the budget, but a girl can dream.
- peace out girl scouts (wish me luck on my move!).
End of blog song: Make a Shadow; Meg Myers
obsessions.
begin of blog song: My Own; Whitaker
it's so fucking easy for me to obsess about the small things like a tv show or a crack in the pavement because it hurts a hell of a lot less to have my mind filled with meaningless thoughts and to have all of my energy and emotions steady on one thing than to admit that I'm still hurting, that I'm still broken and I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. God, I haven't felt the need to cry for myself in a long ass time, and I just know that as soon as that first tear drops I won't be able to stop.
end of blog song: Coward; Hayden Calnin
it's so fucking easy for me to obsess about the small things like a tv show or a crack in the pavement because it hurts a hell of a lot less to have my mind filled with meaningless thoughts and to have all of my energy and emotions steady on one thing than to admit that I'm still hurting, that I'm still broken and I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. God, I haven't felt the need to cry for myself in a long ass time, and I just know that as soon as that first tear drops I won't be able to stop.
end of blog song: Coward; Hayden Calnin
Friday, 14 August 2015
The Story of Death and her Lover.
Begin of blog song: Renegades; X-Ambassadors
& I stood there, an offering to death. I stood there, naked & alone in the dead of night, more vulnerable than I've ever been before. I was calm, & I was ready. This was the end, this was what I've been waiting for. So, she unfurled her heavy midnight wings, wrapped them gently around my soon to be lifeless form. With ice cold hands, she grasped my shoulders firmly. Death leaned in inch by inch and I did not flinch, she pressed her lips against my own and I pulled her closely and let loose a sigh of relief. I was finally free. This is the end, and I am so grateful. I was so grateful that I left without a goodbye. I was so grateful, that I did not see that death began to cry.
End of blog song: Someone New; Banks.
& I stood there, an offering to death. I stood there, naked & alone in the dead of night, more vulnerable than I've ever been before. I was calm, & I was ready. This was the end, this was what I've been waiting for. So, she unfurled her heavy midnight wings, wrapped them gently around my soon to be lifeless form. With ice cold hands, she grasped my shoulders firmly. Death leaned in inch by inch and I did not flinch, she pressed her lips against my own and I pulled her closely and let loose a sigh of relief. I was finally free. This is the end, and I am so grateful. I was so grateful that I left without a goodbye. I was so grateful, that I did not see that death began to cry.
End of blog song: Someone New; Banks.
Thursday, 13 August 2015
5 and Counting.
Begin fo blog song: Heartbeat x Car Radio; Childish Gambino / Twenty One Pilots
"I don't know. I don't know anything. All I know is that I want my body to be covered in ink. I want to drown in it. I want them to be able to read the story on my skin. The story of a that I tried to live."
"I don't know. I don't know anything. All I know is that I want my body to be covered in ink. I want to drown in it. I want them to be able to read the story on my skin. The story of a that I tried to live."
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
One Day.
Begin of blog song: Every Other Freckle; Alt-J
I want to die, but that's not right either. If I really wanted to die, I would. I want to cause enough pain and damage to my body that it's irreversible, until what I'm feeling is finally justifiable. I want to tear away at my chest with my nails, claw away at my ribs and rip out my heart until all that is left for me to do is to sink my decaying fingers into its beating pulses. I want to locate the hurt and make a physical manifestation of it. I want everyone to have a visual representation of what it's like living in my skin. I want to write, "fragile, handle with care" on my being and then fling myself down a winding set of stairs. I want my bones to break and shatter, I want to make sense of my pain in a way that I can comfortably justify and everyone else can readily identify. I want to love myself one day.
End of blog song: Good For You; Selena Gomes ft. A$AP Rocky.
I want to die, but that's not right either. If I really wanted to die, I would. I want to cause enough pain and damage to my body that it's irreversible, until what I'm feeling is finally justifiable. I want to tear away at my chest with my nails, claw away at my ribs and rip out my heart until all that is left for me to do is to sink my decaying fingers into its beating pulses. I want to locate the hurt and make a physical manifestation of it. I want everyone to have a visual representation of what it's like living in my skin. I want to write, "fragile, handle with care" on my being and then fling myself down a winding set of stairs. I want my bones to break and shatter, I want to make sense of my pain in a way that I can comfortably justify and everyone else can readily identify. I want to love myself one day.
End of blog song: Good For You; Selena Gomes ft. A$AP Rocky.
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