Begin of blog song: Walking Blind- Aidan Hawken.
Hello, old friend, I hope you're doing well. How have you been since my leave, are you taking care of yourself, *keeping your hopes up high and your head down low? I know that I haven't been as present as I should have and I do hope you can forgive me for that. You can, can't you? Good, I'm glad to hear it. It's been awhile since I've heard the voice of such a good friend, I am so pleased to find that you haven't grown to resent me after all this time. I'm sorry if you feel as if I've abandoned you, please note that that is and was something I have never intended to do. I simply needed time to sort things through and think on my own. Yes, I'm fine now. Thank you for caring, it's so hard to find people who genuinely do.
It's so nice to know that even after all this time I've spent... wasted, on hating you, you can still find it in your heart to smile back at me and accept all I have to offer- though it isn't much- with open and welcoming arms. How many times have I neglected you? Shut you away in a box at the back of my psych and then thrown you out to sea? How many times have I ignored you, hurt you, damaged you? How many times have I yelled and spit insults, after insults in your direction? Oh gosh, too many to count indeed and yet here we are. Better and stronger than ever. The only one who I can thank is you because you never gave up on me.
This is a letter to myself, from myself, written and edited by myself. I hope to find pride in myself, instead of trying to hide myself, because I know now that joy can only be created by the willingness of myself. So I'd like to thank that part of me that shines brightest even in the dark, and fights even when we've gotten the shit kicked out of us. I'd like to thank the version of me that smiles even when I'm about to break down and cry because even though I can't see it at the moment, I know that it can only ever get better. I apologize deeply that it has taken me so long to accept and acknowledge you, I promise that now that I finally have I will try my best to hold on to this feeling of elation and try my best to no longer drown in my inadequacies. This is a vow made by myself, for me.
End of blog song: Ungodly Hour- The Fray.
*This is a quote from a song called All I Want, by a band called A Day To Remember.
Friday, 30 November 2012
Sunday, 25 November 2012
Sunday November 25, 2012.
Begin of blog song: Youth- Daughter.
It seems, I've been rather inconstant with this blog, as I said I was going to be, but I can't help but point out that I'm still here. I haven't given up, and I'm keeping at it. This might be a minor victory, but it's a victory none the less. I usually type profound things usually addressed to you guys, but they've helped me just as much as I'd like to think that they've helped you, whomever you may be. So thank you for listening to me Stranger, thank you for taking the time to even glance at these pages. Thank you for not giving up on me as many have before.
The Cheshire Cat is my favourite character in Alice In Wonderland, (both the book and animated film) and that's probably because although he's reckless and crazy, he seems to be one of the few characters to be so sure of who he is, and what he's doing. He never really second guessed himself, I respect and admire him for that. He's taught me a lot about the person I wish to be, and maybe even how to become that person.
It seems, I've been rather inconstant with this blog, as I said I was going to be, but I can't help but point out that I'm still here. I haven't given up, and I'm keeping at it. This might be a minor victory, but it's a victory none the less. I usually type profound things usually addressed to you guys, but they've helped me just as much as I'd like to think that they've helped you, whomever you may be. So thank you for listening to me Stranger, thank you for taking the time to even glance at these pages. Thank you for not giving up on me as many have before.
End of blog song: A Thousand Years- Christina Perri.
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Just a few Words.
If the boy who draws
lets you look over his shoulder.
If the poet
smiles
and shows you her words.
If the girl who sings for the shower only,
hums a song
in front of you.
Know that you’re no longer a person
but the air
and dust
that fills their lungs.
When the world perishes,
and all things cease to exist,
you’ll remain inside an ink stain,
a paint brush,
a song.
— Alaska Gold
Monday, 19 November 2012
"They've promised that dreams can come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams, too."
Begin of blog show: The Vampire Diaries.
I have to believe that none of this is real, because if it is. Then maybe it's not worth it? Maybe there are different realities, and this one, this reality that we decided to believe in is simply a figment of someone else's imagination. Maybe our waking selves are simply the dreams of someone else. Maybe, the only time we are truly awake is in our dreams. If I think like this, then everything doesn't seem so tragic. If I think like this, then I don't have to think about all the things I try so hard to ignore, because my mum doesn't hate me in my dreams, and I'm so much braver when I'm someone else.
I was able to find out exactly what my mum would say if she were to find out my little secret. (Read: I'm gay). Sadly, those words weren't: 'no, what should I care that my child is gay? They're still the person I gave birth to, I love them no matter what!' *insert motherly grin.*
No, instead it was something like: 'if any of my children came out as gay, I'd disown them. That is what I believe god will want'
Can someone please tell me how a 'god' so filled with love, could want one of his own creations to hate their own children so much, simply for not conforming to the social norm? How, he will find it acceptable, for a mother to say such hateful things about their own child (albeit hypothetically) and not even bat an eyelash? I use to say that I was most afraid of clowns and spiders, but my greatest fear was to be alone. Now, my greatest fear is that my mum actually believes these things that fall out of her mouth are true, that when I finally do decide to tell her how I feel, who I am, she'll never be able to look me in the eyes and tell me 'I love you', again. Spoiler alert, she knows, she still loves you, everything turned out okay.
I am so tired of keeping who I am hidden from the people I love, I want nothing more than to prance about and shout from the rooftops: "I AM DRUE SAMUELS, AND I AM SO GAY IT HURTS!" Sadly, I couldn't handle it if I were to lose everyone I loved because of it. So, I'll keep this secret, I'll suffer in silence (not really, it is on the internet after all) and I'll do all of this because I don't want to hurt the people I love, I don't want my mum to have to deal with the pain of having to hate her daughter. I couldn't live with myself if I broke her heart, so I'll completely destroy mine instead because that is love. That is my love. That's actually a really unhealthy mindset and not love at all, please don't be old me, don't be a martyr.
End of blog show: 90210.
I have to believe that none of this is real, because if it is. Then maybe it's not worth it? Maybe there are different realities, and this one, this reality that we decided to believe in is simply a figment of someone else's imagination. Maybe our waking selves are simply the dreams of someone else. Maybe, the only time we are truly awake is in our dreams. If I think like this, then everything doesn't seem so tragic. If I think like this, then I don't have to think about all the things I try so hard to ignore, because my mum doesn't hate me in my dreams, and I'm so much braver when I'm someone else.
I was able to find out exactly what my mum would say if she were to find out my little secret. (Read: I'm gay). Sadly, those words weren't: 'no, what should I care that my child is gay? They're still the person I gave birth to, I love them no matter what!' *insert motherly grin.*
No, instead it was something like: 'if any of my children came out as gay, I'd disown them. That is what I believe god will want'
Can someone please tell me how a 'god' so filled with love, could want one of his own creations to hate their own children so much, simply for not conforming to the social norm? How, he will find it acceptable, for a mother to say such hateful things about their own child (albeit hypothetically) and not even bat an eyelash? I use to say that I was most afraid of clowns and spiders, but my greatest fear was to be alone. Now, my greatest fear is that my mum actually believes these things that fall out of her mouth are true, that when I finally do decide to tell her how I feel, who I am, she'll never be able to look me in the eyes and tell me 'I love you', again. Spoiler alert, she knows, she still loves you, everything turned out okay.
I am so tired of keeping who I am hidden from the people I love, I want nothing more than to prance about and shout from the rooftops: "I AM DRUE SAMUELS, AND I AM SO GAY IT HURTS!" Sadly, I couldn't handle it if I were to lose everyone I loved because of it. So, I'll keep this secret, I'll suffer in silence (not really, it is on the internet after all) and I'll do all of this because I don't want to hurt the people I love, I don't want my mum to have to deal with the pain of having to hate her daughter. I couldn't live with myself if I broke her heart, so I'll completely destroy mine instead because that is love. That is my love. That's actually a really unhealthy mindset and not love at all, please don't be old me, don't be a martyr.
End of blog show: 90210.
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Saturday, 10 November 2012
I don't understand this sense of reality I've managed to forge.
And I'll disappear forever,
And I'll leave this place behind,
Finding comfort under covers,
Shelter beneath closed eyes.
I don't know exactly what that means, but the words came, and I felt an unwavering force telling me to put this somewhere where people can read it, whether they find it or not is their own choice to make.
And I'll leave this place behind,
Finding comfort under covers,
Shelter beneath closed eyes.
I don't know exactly what that means, but the words came, and I felt an unwavering force telling me to put this somewhere where people can read it, whether they find it or not is their own choice to make.
Friday, 9 November 2012
Why so serious?
Begin of blog song: Above The Water- Art of Sleeping
I feel like the way society, and the media has shaped the youth of today has been done in such a way to convince us that if we don't have that perfect high school relationship, or if we're not breaking a few rules, then... I don't want to say that they're telling us that our lives aren't worth living, because they're not. However, at the very least they're moulding us to believe that if our lives are not almost the mirror of our favourite tv protagonist then we are living very boring lives that do nothing but lackluster.
And because of that, when we finally do realize that life doesn't happen like that we don't always find the love of our lives in high school, or that life isn't always some great adventure, we are let down so completely and so utterly that it takes us some time to bounce back from it all. Yet, some of us never seem to get back to that stage where they live their lives freely without other people's idea of how far we should have advanced past a certain stage of our life, and spend the remainder of theirs in search for this "greatness" this "wonder", and before they know it, they've wasted all their time searching for something they thought would make them happy, which in fact just leaves us sort of hollow and empty when we finally realize we could have been doing something so much more with our time.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that, yes I am a victim of the media's expectations, however instead of sitting around and hoping for something that chances are will not come in this point and time in my life, I am going to enjoy what youth I have left, and revile in my own happiness that I will create by myself with the help of my friends and family. I invite you all to do the same.
- Peace out girl scouts!
End of blog song: I Am Not A Robot.- Marina & The Diamonds
I feel like the way society, and the media has shaped the youth of today has been done in such a way to convince us that if we don't have that perfect high school relationship, or if we're not breaking a few rules, then... I don't want to say that they're telling us that our lives aren't worth living, because they're not. However, at the very least they're moulding us to believe that if our lives are not almost the mirror of our favourite tv protagonist then we are living very boring lives that do nothing but lackluster.
And because of that, when we finally do realize that life doesn't happen like that we don't always find the love of our lives in high school, or that life isn't always some great adventure, we are let down so completely and so utterly that it takes us some time to bounce back from it all. Yet, some of us never seem to get back to that stage where they live their lives freely without other people's idea of how far we should have advanced past a certain stage of our life, and spend the remainder of theirs in search for this "greatness" this "wonder", and before they know it, they've wasted all their time searching for something they thought would make them happy, which in fact just leaves us sort of hollow and empty when we finally realize we could have been doing something so much more with our time.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that, yes I am a victim of the media's expectations, however instead of sitting around and hoping for something that chances are will not come in this point and time in my life, I am going to enjoy what youth I have left, and revile in my own happiness that I will create by myself with the help of my friends and family. I invite you all to do the same.
- Peace out girl scouts!
End of blog song: I Am Not A Robot.- Marina & The Diamonds
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Off To Uni For Me!
Begin of blog song- Trouble Is A Friend: Lenka
Today, as a part of a program I'm enrolled in at my local high school, I went to the University of Toronto for a Sociology Lecture. Whilst there, my friends and I realized just how hard it was to keep up with what the professor was saying, especially from where we were sitting (way at the back on the top balcony), so instead we decided to find people in the lecture hall, and guess/create their live stories. This continued until the time we had to leave, and by then we found this couple, Emily a young lady who stays up late reading Jane Austin novels, engaged to be married, and Elliot, a young ambitious boy who owns a golden retriever named Sam. Before we knew it, we were so engrossed in their 'story' that we missed our exit, and got lost in the 'heart' of downtown Toronto.
After google maps failed us (well, we're just really bad at reading maps...) so we asked a lovely old lady from England (who baked her grandchildren cookies in her free time) for directions, that were too hard to follow, resulting in getting us even further lost. Have no fear though! Superman came and saved us! Not really, but someone who could have totally been a superhero in his spare time pointed us in the right direction, and we were able to get home successfully! So, cheers!
Another highlight to my immediate life, is that as I mentioned before, my writers block has finally passed, leaving me room in my buzzing head to create, what I believe to be wonderful stories. Maybe, if you're good I'll leave you lot a snippet of one them. I promise you that my stories are worlds better than my singing! Until next time,
Peace out girl scouts!
End of blog song: Are You Free?- White Rabbits!
Today, as a part of a program I'm enrolled in at my local high school, I went to the University of Toronto for a Sociology Lecture. Whilst there, my friends and I realized just how hard it was to keep up with what the professor was saying, especially from where we were sitting (way at the back on the top balcony), so instead we decided to find people in the lecture hall, and guess/create their live stories. This continued until the time we had to leave, and by then we found this couple, Emily a young lady who stays up late reading Jane Austin novels, engaged to be married, and Elliot, a young ambitious boy who owns a golden retriever named Sam. Before we knew it, we were so engrossed in their 'story' that we missed our exit, and got lost in the 'heart' of downtown Toronto.
After google maps failed us (well, we're just really bad at reading maps...) so we asked a lovely old lady from England (who baked her grandchildren cookies in her free time) for directions, that were too hard to follow, resulting in getting us even further lost. Have no fear though! Superman came and saved us! Not really, but someone who could have totally been a superhero in his spare time pointed us in the right direction, and we were able to get home successfully! So, cheers!
Another highlight to my immediate life, is that as I mentioned before, my writers block has finally passed, leaving me room in my buzzing head to create, what I believe to be wonderful stories. Maybe, if you're good I'll leave you lot a snippet of one them. I promise you that my stories are worlds better than my singing! Until next time,
Peace out girl scouts!
End of blog song: Are You Free?- White Rabbits!
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
It's Been A Long Time Since I've Been Around.
Hey folks, how has it been? If you're wondering why I haven't been posting often, it's because I haven't been getting enough sleep.... and I'm lazy. So to put it this way, lazy+ lack of sleep= no topics to write about= no posts. Sorry lovelies, I'll try to get back on track! :)
Saturday, 3 November 2012
2 fucking AM.
Dear sister,
the next time you knock on my window in the middle of the fucking night because your drunk/high/irresponsible ass is locked outside, I will leave you there. I've explained to you multiple times that the amount of sleep I get per night is at the least five hours, and that's on a fucking good night. No, we are not cool, fuck you.
The next time you keep me up until the wee hours of the night because of your drunk/high/irresponsible ass, I will make sure to wake your dumbass up every fucking morning for a fucking week, whenever the fuck it is that I fucking wake up. Why? Refer to paragraph 1.
The next time you ask to borrow something of mine, I will tell you no, go fuck yourself. No I won't. For the simple reason that on Halloween this year, you asked to borrow my umbrella and left it outside your friends house, even though it was raining all of this week, and when asked to get it back your reply was, "Oh yeah, I left it outside of my friends house, I'll get it for you later today." and then when questioned about it two fucking days later you told me, "I haven't been to her house all week! I told you where it is, get it yourself!" Yeah, that was fucked up. I really liked that umbrella.
The next time you so much as look my way, I will flip you the bird. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. Again, no I won't.
From,
me.
ps. I lied to you when I said I didn't get anything at the mall yesterday, I got a top and a pack of earrings, I just didn't want to hear you ask to borrow and then lose/destroy my things again. Lol, #pety.
pss. Fuck you.
the next time you knock on my window in the middle of the fucking night because your drunk/high/irresponsible ass is locked outside, I will leave you there. I've explained to you multiple times that the amount of sleep I get per night is at the least five hours, and that's on a fucking good night. No, we are not cool, fuck you.
The next time you keep me up until the wee hours of the night because of your drunk/high/irresponsible ass, I will make sure to wake your dumbass up every fucking morning for a fucking week, whenever the fuck it is that I fucking wake up. Why? Refer to paragraph 1.
The next time you ask to borrow something of mine, I will tell you no, go fuck yourself. No I won't. For the simple reason that on Halloween this year, you asked to borrow my umbrella and left it outside your friends house, even though it was raining all of this week, and when asked to get it back your reply was, "Oh yeah, I left it outside of my friends house, I'll get it for you later today." and then when questioned about it two fucking days later you told me, "I haven't been to her house all week! I told you where it is, get it yourself!" Yeah, that was fucked up. I really liked that umbrella.
The next time you so much as look my way, I will flip you the bird. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. Again, no I won't.
From,
me.
ps. I lied to you when I said I didn't get anything at the mall yesterday, I got a top and a pack of earrings, I just didn't want to hear you ask to borrow and then lose/destroy my things again. Lol, #pety.
pss. Fuck you.
Friday, 2 November 2012
November 2, 2012
Today,
today, I found out that it was The Day Of The Dead, or El Día del Muerto/ All Souls Day. Today, I also found out that my grandmother passed away. Today, I have learned a lot of things, but once again I haven't quite figured out how to cope with death.
Today wasn't the worst day ever, it wasn't even okay. Today I had fun at the mall with my friends. Today, once again I feel guilty for not being able to feel anything over the loss of a family member.
(Sorry if there are a lot of typos, I don't know... yeah...) fixed it
today, I found out that it was The Day Of The Dead, or El Día del Muerto/ All Souls Day. Today, I also found out that my grandmother passed away. Today, I have learned a lot of things, but once again I haven't quite figured out how to cope with death.
Today wasn't the worst day ever, it wasn't even okay. Today I had fun at the mall with my friends. Today, once again I feel guilty for not being able to feel anything over the loss of a family member.
(Sorry if there are a lot of typos, I don't know... yeah...) fixed it
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