"They've promised that dreams can come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams, too."

Begin of blog show: The Vampire Diaries.

    I have to believe that none of this is real, because if it is. Then maybe it's not worth it? Maybe there are different realities, and this one, this reality that we decided to believe in is simply a figment of someone else's imagination. Maybe our waking selves are simply the dreams of someone else. Maybe, the only time we are truly awake is in our dreams. If I think like this, then everything doesn't seem so tragic. If I think like this, then I don't have to think about all the things I try so hard to ignore, because my mum doesn't hate me in my dreams, and I'm so much braver when I'm someone else.



     I was able to find out exactly what my mum would say if she were to find out my little secret. (Read: I'm gay). Sadly, those words weren't: 'no, what should I care that my child is gay? They're still the person I gave birth to, I love them no matter what!' *insert motherly grin.*
No, instead it was something like: 'if any of my children came out as gay, I'd disown them. That is what I believe god will want'
    Can someone please tell me how a 'god' so filled with love, could want one of his own creations to hate their own children so much, simply for not conforming to the social norm? How, he will find it acceptable, for a mother to say such hateful things about their own child (albeit hypothetically) and not even bat an eyelash? I use to say that I was most afraid of clowns and spiders, but my greatest fear was to be alone. Now, my greatest fear is that my mum actually believes these things that fall out of her mouth are true, that when I finally do decide to tell her how I feel, who I am, she'll never be able to look me in the eyes and tell me 'I love you', again. Spoiler alert, she knows, she still loves you, everything turned out okay.
     I am so tired of keeping who I am hidden from the people I love, I want nothing more than to prance about and shout from the rooftops: "I AM DRUE SAMUELS, AND I AM SO GAY IT HURTS!" Sadly, I couldn't handle it if I were to lose everyone I loved because of it. So, I'll keep this secret, I'll suffer in silence (not really, it is on the internet after all) and I'll do all of this because I don't want to hurt the people I love, I don't want my mum to have to deal with the pain of having to hate her daughter. I couldn't live with myself if I broke her heart, so I'll completely destroy mine instead because that is love. That is my love. That's actually a really unhealthy mindset and not love at all, please don't be old me, don't be a martyr. 

End of blog show: 90210.