Freakin' New Years Eve.

Begin of blog song: Hero- Skillet

Okay people, here comes not just the end of a month, but the end of yet another year. I accomplished... nothing. Will that change with the New Year? Probably not, let's face it, I've been a lazy SOB for 16 years, and they weren't kidding when they said that bad habits die hard.
Today was a bust. My plans were canceled, and then when I tried to make new plans I was told not to because all of a sudden my family wants to spend time with me. I managed to finally exchange presents with K (the presents were bought before my resolve) and I bought her a pack of like six totally bitchin nail polishes, and in return I got chocolate, a bracelet, a stuffed seal (I honestly don't know where the seal came from, but I'm not complaining) and a nail-polish. Like I said, I'm not complaining even though besides the chocolate ( Ferreró Rocher my all time favourite) there was no real thought put into the gift. However, it was a decent effort and for that I am thankful.

This was the nail polish bought, it's the type with the magnet at the top that's supposed to give off a really cool effect and because of it, it cost more than regular polish. Don't buy it, maybe it's because I'm using it wrong (although I don't think I am as the instructions are pretty straight forward) but it's a sham. No super cool effect, just pretty purple toes! (Guess the name of the colour... go on guess it!) No, you're wrong it isn't anything cool like Spirit Moonlight, it's just Purple. The colour on my nails though, (also a gift from K) is called Titanic. Very pretty right? Anyways that's it, later.

- Peace out girl scouts!

End of blog song: Trouble- Lanka 

Today.

Things to do:

• Go to Walmart;
- Neutragina pink grapefruit face wash
- bioré
- black eyeliner
- a treat

• Clean laptop

• Start an assignment

• Figure out what I'm going to do with my life.


     The best way to get through the day is to make a list of all the things that need to be done/ should get done. I've  realized that I work best when I have a list of tasks in front of me that I can tick off one by one. So, everyday (depending on my level of productivity) I make a list and try my best to complete it. It's a good way to keep organized and after I go through everything and cross it out, I feel accomplished and proud of myself for actually completing something.
     Speaking of completing things (or at least the consistency that comes with) I'm still here. I think that's amazing and you can send me your letters of gratitude later.
     I mentioned K in a few of my other posts, referring to our friendship as a rocky one (to sum it up). Well, recently I've gotten tired of trying to reach out to her and make time for her when it seems as if she doesn't want to hang out with me at all. I'm not saying that there aren't times when she is a perfectly kind friend to me, but there are those times when she makes me feel as if I'm her "extra" (you know, I'm there to hang out with until something better comes up). The point is my invisi-folks, I'm thinking of removing the 'friends' from behind the honorary 'best' and replacing it with 'acquaintances'.
     Every time I'm alone with my mum it feels like a lie, like I'm a liar. She says these wonderful things like, "I love you Drue, I'm so lucky to have you in my life" and all I can think is, "I'mgayI'mgayI'mgayI'mgay." I wish that I could just come out and say it without having to worry if she'll actually accept me for me but I couldn't live with myself if I ever saw her cry because of me, I couldn't live with myself knowing that my own mother is disgusted with my existence. I cannot live with myself. I wish it were like the movies, everything laid out before you, thinking that you have all these choices but really it's already written in stone how your life is going to be and in the end everything turns out perfectly and your pleasantly surprised even though you knew it'll turn out that way because that's what always happens in movies. I wish I could be happy.

Just a few Questions.

Are we ever as good as we think we are?
Are we ever as bad as we think we are?
What are we really?
Do we come with a purpose?
What is my purpose?
Am I good?
Am I bad?
What am I?

Annoying, that's what you are, and embarrassing. 

Hey, you!

     Hello, world, how goes it?
     Today I was woken up at 3am by a dangerously full bladder, I was also kept awake until 4am by my sisters very loud talking, after that I just couldn't sleep. And then I was finally forced awake at 11am by A Christmas Carol playing on the radio.
     So, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and instead of spending it with family, I'll be spending it with J&B. They're going to come over at around noon and then we're going give each other our Christmas presents and watch some cheesy Christmas shows, and have a girls day. I'm looking forward to it!
     So far though there aren't any actual plans for Christmas Day, probably just open presents and spend the day with the family. Is it bad that I'm not looking forward to this? Every moment I spend with my mother feels like a lie and betrayal to myself. I just want to tell her, you know, and not keep who I am a secret. I'd also like to meet the person who said that being gay was wrong and give 'em a piece of my mind.
     Anyways, I haven't eaten anything yet and I'm famished. I'll speak to you lot soon though,

- Peace out girl scouts! 

Today.

Begin of blog song: Midnight & I- White Rabbits.

     Today was a different type of day. I never actually thought that this whole "being in the closet" thing would have gotten to me, I treated the whole thing as a joke as if it weren't really happening to me. I laughed it off when people asked me about my sexuality, taking on the "it is what it is" stance on the whole situation. Uh, but today while I was out at the mall finishing my holiday shopping for the first time ever I came out to a family member. My older sister, and it was kind of like those "oh my god what did I say moments?", you know what I mean?
     Anyways, we were waiting in line at Sears to pay for a gift I bought for one of my friends, and there was a picture of a bunch of girls wearing jewellery and I kind of like indicated with my head to one of the picture. "I like this" and then my sister kind of replied jokingly, "What? The jewellery or the girls?" and before I could properly make up my mind to how I would respond to that, I said "both". My sister wasn't really paying attention though she was looking at something on her phone, and then she looked up at me and was like, "What?". I kind of played it off like I didn't say anything, but I realized that wasn't a 'repeat yourself what' but a 'what did you just say what'. Uhm, she asked me if my mum knew, and I told her "no, of course not." and she offered to tell mum that she were gay to sort of break the ice, and at that moment I kind of had to deal with the fact that if I ever did have to come out to my mother, she'd hate me. It's really as simple as that, the woman that has brought me up and has claimed to love would hate me if she were to find out that I'm a lesbian. And it broke my heart, I broke down in tears in the middle of the line, and my sister held me and told me that nothing will change about the way she felt about me. Wow, that whole unaccepting mum thing really fucked with me.
     It felt like a bit of the weight has been taken off of my shoulders, but it's nowhere near enough and I'm still being crushed by all of it.

End of blog song: Loser- Beck.

Happy Birthday, Mother.

Begin of blog song: Oblivion- Bastille.

     Today's the day I have my sociology mid term exam.
     Today's the day I have my chemistry test.
     Today's the day I have my math test.
     Today's the day I finish my Christmas shopping.
     Today's the day my mother turns a year older.
     Today's the day I realized just how small minded the people in my house are.
     Today's the day I think of how much easier life would be if I didn't have to live it.
     Today's the day I smile instead of cry.
     Today's just like any other day.
     Today, I wish I had the courage to change.

     I don't.




     Happy birthday dear mother, I hope all your hopes and dreams come true. I wish I could be the daughter you think I am, and I wish you could one day love me for who I really am. Happy birthday mother, and happy birthday to all of you that share this date.

End of blog song: Dead Hearts- Stars.

The End of an Era,

     The Gossip Girl era that is. Today was the last episode ever, and boy was it packed with surprises. I'd go off on a huge tirade on the biggest secrets that were spilled, but I'd rather not ruin it for the rest of you. Instead, I will say this though I cannot believe who they chose GG to be. First off the first G in Gossip Girl does not stand for Girl but GoodgodIcannotbelieveyou'readude!
     It's kind of depressing to know that a show I pretty much grew up with and have been obsessing over for six years has come to an end. It's like when you find that one ice-cream flavour that trumps all the rest and then you come back a week later only to find out it's been discontinued. It's like saying goodbye to an old friend.
     Maybe I'm just a die-hard fan, but I have the undying urge to watch the whole series over from season 1-6 just because I can and then cry all over again (I didn't cry the first time... you know how I feel about tears).
     I couldn't think of a better end for the series although I do wish the episode was longer. Until next time my invisi-folks,


- Peace out girl scouts.

The Truth.

     The truth is people, my name's Drue Samuels I'm 16 years old (17 next month) and I'm afraid to sleep alone. It's about 11pm right now, and I'm terrified of falling asleep for no real reason. I don't want to be afraid, though, so I was wondering if just for tonight I can borrow some of your strengths? Please and thank you.

Good night fellow bloggers

Shut. Up.

Begin of blog song: Loser- Beck

     There are certain things that I cannot stand about my sister.

1) She's unaware that she too can be wrong

2) The way she speaks to people (her daughter, my grandmother, my mum, myself, etc.) is disgusting and unacceptable

3) She wouldn't know what respect is if it slapped her in the face (I kind of hope it will)

4) She's disgustingly dirty

5) A role model is something I will never be able to call her

6) Neither is a respectable older sister

These are just a few things that piss me off about her and yet the list goes on and on.

End of blog song: Loser- Beck

Dream A Little Dream Of ME.

Today's movie: Gingersnaps

    I was going to speak about my dreams, (hence the title) but then I realized that I don't want to. My dreams are my own special secrets, and I'd like to keep them to myself. This weekend is going to be a busy one for me. First, since tomorrow is a PA day I plan on getting all of my Christmas shopping out of the way. Secondly, on Saturday I have a birthday party to get to, for a cute little three-year-old boy. Lastly, on Sunday I have to seriously clean my room and get rid of clutter. 

   

  I have Little Bird by Ed Sheeran stuck in my head. "You made me laugh, and I made you cry! When I left that little bird with its broken leg to die. If I kiss you, will your lips read this truth, darling how I miss you, strawberries taste like lips do... "

     My niece has decided to make a Swear Jar, and whenever someone says something to her that she doesn't like she tells them to pay up. It goes something like this:

Me: Natalee, be quiet, please.

Her: You swore! Quiet is a bad word, you have to put money in the Swear Jar now!

Me: Oh my god! Shut up! 

Her: Ohhh, you swore again! Now you have to put more money in the jar!

That's pretty much what my weekend looks like, yeah.

     I've mentioned Kit in my previous posts, correct? Well, I've recently been trying to become familiar with her. I ask her questions, and I smile at her. Every day I see her I say hello and ask her how her day is going. Her smile sets a fire in my soul. Her eyes crinkle and light up, her smile is something I can stare at all day. Her laugh, like a thousand twinkling lights, and whenever 11:11 rolls around I wish that she could like me as I like her. That won't happen, because I'm a lesbian, she's straight and this is all just wishful thinking. God, I was such a fucking creep. I wish life were more simple than it is now, I wish I could "find someone someday who may actually treat me well" (sorry, random T. Swift lyrics.) Anyways, that's just how I feel, and I really do wish that someone will feel the same way about me. Sooner, rather than later if possible. 

     Bye-bye. :)

Blast From The Past.

Begin of blog song: Some mother-effing J.B. Christmas song

     Throughout the week, I've got into contact with quite a bunch of people from my past. Well, boys from my past. The first boy we shall call him R. Well, R and I had a spat a while back and he just waltzed around my facebook page randomly deciding to poke me and have a chat. He's an asshole. The second boy, we shall call him C. He's an abusive idiot. Not really, but he commented on my status telling me to shut up, the audacity of this little man. Makes me want stomp on him.
     Anyway, tonight I am having spaghetti and meatballs, and I am so looking forward to it! Also, I should tell you about my dream, but I'm hungry now so maybe later.

:D

Begin of blog song: In The Next Room- Neon Trees

     I feel as if today's song is a fitting one. My day started off pretty crapy, gloomy weather, lack of sleep, and work worries. Then in second period Kit told me  that I have a cute smile, she also told me she liked it, I had to bite my lip from shouting 'I like you'. I've been smiling ever since.

     I've decided to sort of hmmm, utilize my blog posts and make a sort of book out of them. Of course, I'll be elaborating on a lot of things and taking out a lot of things to make the posts properly represent the character. I'm excited for this personal project of mine and very happy with how it's turning out. I seriously tried with this one and was proud of it to boot, sadly all of the work was put onto an old laptop that I never backed up but I ended up spilling milk on it and losing everything.

End of blog song: I Am Not A Robot- Marina and The Diamonds

Hope.

It's a word that I need to learn to keep on the tip of my tung, an action I need to wear like a second skin, and a feeling I mustn't ever forget.  

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa.

Shake It Out- Florence + the MAchine