Today.

Begin of blog song: Midnight & I- White Rabbits.

     Today was a different type of day. I never actually thought that this whole "being in the closet" thing would have gotten to me, I treated the whole thing as a joke as if it weren't really happening to me. I laughed it off when people asked me about my sexuality, taking on the "it is what it is" stance on the whole situation. Uh, but today while I was out at the mall finishing my holiday shopping for the first time ever I came out to a family member. My older sister, and it was kind of like those "oh my god what did I say moments?", you know what I mean?
     Anyways, we were waiting in line at Sears to pay for a gift I bought for one of my friends, and there was a picture of a bunch of girls wearing jewellery and I kind of like indicated with my head to one of the picture. "I like this" and then my sister kind of replied jokingly, "What? The jewellery or the girls?" and before I could properly make up my mind to how I would respond to that, I said "both". My sister wasn't really paying attention though she was looking at something on her phone, and then she looked up at me and was like, "What?". I kind of played it off like I didn't say anything, but I realized that wasn't a 'repeat yourself what' but a 'what did you just say what'. Uhm, she asked me if my mum knew, and I told her "no, of course not." and she offered to tell mum that she were gay to sort of break the ice, and at that moment I kind of had to deal with the fact that if I ever did have to come out to my mother, she'd hate me. It's really as simple as that, the woman that has brought me up and has claimed to love would hate me if she were to find out that I'm a lesbian. And it broke my heart, I broke down in tears in the middle of the line, and my sister held me and told me that nothing will change about the way she felt about me. Wow, that whole unaccepting mum thing really fucked with me.
     It felt like a bit of the weight has been taken off of my shoulders, but it's nowhere near enough and I'm still being crushed by all of it.

End of blog song: Loser- Beck.