Begin of blog song: If It Really Means A Lot To You- A Day To Remember
Today, I've decided to take another walk down memory lane with you guys. Don't worry, I won't be diving into the events of my brothers death, this will be a far more happy story, this will be a story about when I finally did decide to come to terms with my sexuality, this is a story about when I learnt that I liked one of my friends more than just a friend.
The crush happened around this time back in 2007, I was in grade 7 then. However, I'm going to start before that. I'm going to start from the beginning, not from where it all began, because that'll take too much time, and be way too far back into the past to properly keep track of. Instead, I'll start from when I first met P.
I walked into my classroom on the first day of middle school, extremely nervous, but also very excited. I had a lot of my close friends from elementary school in my class, so it wasn't that bad All the same, it was a new environment I was walking into, and I was scared. I was running a little late that day, so I walked in after the bell. Most of my friends were already paired up together, and there were only a few empty seats left. In the middle of the room was this girl, she was silently laughing with some other girl I assumed went to her previous school, and although she was wearing the same uniform of black pants with a blue t.shirt sporting the school's crest, she stood out from the mass of students, her quiet voice was well heard over the white noise of everyone else.
Luckily for me, there was an empty seat behind her, and I was smart enough to take it, claim it as my own. (S.N.: I didn't think that I had an "attraction" to her or anything like that, I just knew that no matter what I wanted to get close to her) By that time we were getting our lockers, and trying to figure out how to open our locks. Mine wasn't as easy as I expected it to be, but this turned out to work to my advantage. P. seemed to be a pro at it, as she was helping everyone else with theirs. I did the logical thing, and gave her my best (most nervous) smile, and asked for her assistance with my own lock. That was it, that one conversation, and I was kind of hooked.
We became friends fast, best friends even faster. Before I knew it, we were hanging out all the time, we spoke on the phone together quite often, hung out together all the time at lunch, and any chance I had to be her partner, or any chance I had to talk to her in class, I took. I was in bliss, it was wonderful. The best.
It wasn't long until my other friends, got angry that I was spending all my time with someone else, and I completely understood why. I didn't simply "kick them to the back seat" of my life. No, I absolutely kicked them off the bus. (I'd like to note now, for the record, that I wasn't sorry at the time, and I'm still not... I am however sorry, that I'm not sorry... kind of) Anyways, I ended up doing what I considered to be the "adult" thing, and introduced P. to my other friends, they hit it off pretty nicely, but I always thought of her as mine.
S.N. : Although I am not as close to P. now as I was then, we're still considered "friends" only now, not as close as before. This time I'm the one that sits in front of her. I realize now what those feelings were that I harboured towards P., and I've grown out of them. However, even though I don't feel the same way anymore, that doesn't mean that I don't miss the feel of her small frame incased in my own (relax, I'm talking about when we hugged, or when she would sit on my lap),hearing her laugh because of something I said, or miss walking her home (or at least part of the way) after school. But even though I miss a lot, I'm glad that I had that friendship with her, and I'm glad that it has helped me realize who I am. So thank you, P. and I hope you find the guy that makes you happy, just as I hope I find the girl that'll do the same for me.
- Peace out girl scouts!
End of blog song: This Time I Swear I Mean It- Mayday Parade.
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