30/09/12

Begin of blog song: I'm a Man- Black Strobe

    Alright my invisi-folks, happy Sunday! Or at least that was the idea it obviously did not pan out as I hoped, as I am on here at 10:21, and already have something to say.
     As you all know, I am in the eleventh grade, and as a result, should be thinking about what I want to do with my life, and where I want to go to university. Well, I narrowed it down to four choices, University O, University T, University S, and University Y. I decided that I should talk to my mum about these choices, and see how she feels, I know from previous talks with her that she's opposed to the idea of me going anywhere far. So, in all fairness, it probably wasn't so smart of me to pick a whole different city... one of which is probably around four hours away. However, I figured that she'd be at least a bit proud of me, for giving my future thought! Apparently not, I was instead laughed at for even entertaining the thought of moving away for a few years! The woman, won't even let me go downtown for school! I actually ended up applying to and attending LU (four hour drive) and I lived on dorm for my first year.
     Don't get me wrong, I understand her not wanting to say goodbye and all that, she's not exactly use to having her children so far from her... But good God woman! Can I live? Am I not allowed to spread my wings and at the very least try to fly before getting shot down? I don't know guys, I really want to go to either Uni O, or Uni T, I guess it all depends on if I actually get accepted to any of these schools eh?
      Why, oh why does being young have to be so complicated! Can't a girl just decide what university she want's to go to, do the stupid admin stuff, and then poof at a snap of her fingers get in? Without worrying about all the fees? Maybe I'm in over my head? I'm not even that smart, maybe I should stick to colleges, you know the type that begin with the word "community"?
      - Peace out girl scouts!

(I only put the first letters of the universities I am planning... or was planning on attending, come the fall of 2014. I know I have some time until this actually happens, but I don't really want to waste anytime only to have realized it's time to graduate and I have no clue as to what to do with myself....)

End of blog song: Under My Thumb- Rolling Stones

29/09/12

Begin of blog song: Smashed Birds- Sley

     I don't actually have anything to say today, I just thought I should post something here so I am at least consistent with one thing in my life... besides being inconsistent that is. Ah, September is coming to a close my lovelies, somebody should wake Billie Joe.... I call dibs! Not really, as that seems like a lot of work. Why? Because I am lazy, that's why!
     This is going to be one of those posts that I regret posting because it makes me sound like a right twit. I am a twit aren't I? Damn, and here I was thinking I was at least somewhat okay... guess not. Uh, I should quit while I'm ahead, shouldn't I?
     I'm currently watching The Corps Bride with my niece, well kind of it's more like the television is playing and she is annoying the hell out of me. I am highly annoyed right now. Goodness, I'm not quite sure why I left my room, this is what happens when I'm in a good mood, I make irrational and rushed decisions.
    You guys should see how many red squiggly lines show up while I make this things, my spelling is horrible... I'm digressing from the topic I really want to talk about... no time like the present, ey? Okay, well, have you ever had someone who claims to like you compare you to the person that they hate the most? It's quite off putting, I can tell you that much. In all honestly, I didn't really care, I just felt like putting on a big fuss, well because, who doesn't likes a sulky person?
     Ah, I don't know, I quit... for now at least. Maybe I'll take an extended break from life and all forms of socializing for awhile? That sounds like a plan. Right... right? What? Don't look at me like that, I can totally do it. Maybe, not.
    Holly actual hell, I just saw a commercial for that Dragon Ball movie thingie, and it almost made me hurl! Don't get me wrong, I was no DB fan growing up, still not, but that movie screams horrible, I scream boredom, you scream annoyance. I get the point, I'm leaving now.

- Peace out girl scouts!

End of blog song: I Just Wanna Live- Good Charlotte

28/09/12

Begin of blog song: You Me & The Bourgeoisie- The Submarines

     I am the most inconsistent person to have walked the Internet, my sincerest apologies! Am I forgiven? Yes? Okay, great. I've missed you all a lot. I mean let's be honest here, who doesn't love it when people listen (or pretend to listen) to the mindless chatter of said individual.  I know I do.
     Recently I've heard some sad news. Gossip Girl is going to be on its last season, and it's only ten bloody episodes long. Tragic, I know. So, I decided to watch every episode, starting from the beginning. Who knew I could be so dedicated to something? I didn't. I wasn't.
    I also decided what it is I am finally going to do with my life. I've been zig-zagging between, psychologist, English teacher, History teacher, or a therapist. I've finally decided to settle on not one of these things, but kind of all of them. Confused? Alright, I'll explain more, I am going to study to become a school counsellor! Not one of those crazy ones that tell you about reincarnation and the stars when you tell her your brother shot himself (true story), but a real one, a cool one. One the students will be able to rely on, and they'll feel comfortable enough to view as a friend, but smart enough to recognize as an authority figure... of sorts.
     It's finally Friday, I'm failing chemistry.... a 34%.... now that's tragic. I'm more than passing my other classes, 85% in Steps, 84% in math, and probably about an 80% in Spanish. All I have to do is bring up that damned chemistry mark, and I'll be content. Study, study, study, my new motto, what do you lot think about it?
     I've also been set up with a pretty solid job. Just a part time one, from Friday-Sunday, so I guess I can say goodbye to my weekends for good now, eh?
    Anyways doll, back to my GG marathon, talk to you later, don't miss me too much.

-Peace out girl scouts!

End of blog song: At Least I'm Not As Sad As I Used To Be- Fun.

26/09/12

Begin of blog song: Apartment- Young The Giant

     I will like to start off by apologizing for being MIA for the last two days. Actually, I'd like to apologize for a lot of things, however I feel as if this is not the time to do so. Or shall I say, I feel like a right fool and don't want to apologize right now. (Insert sheepish grin.)
    Well, how are you guys? Doing well without me, I hope. Today was a roller coaster day, ups, downs, and loops. I was kept up all night due to my sister breaking up with her boyfriend (it was a terrible scene, lots of cussing, and screaming), as a result I only got somewhere around two hours of sleep(?... this could be an exaggeration). Then the twit, bless her heart had the damn nerve to not only text, but call me while I was in class, simply to ask me to pick up her daughter. (Mind you, I was still a bit peeved over having been kept up all night, and as a result this just really pushed me over the edge... I even started to stutter in a blind rage.) As not wanting to get into it with my oh so darling sister, I politely asked my mum if she could tell my sis to stop harassing me during school hours. To that I was rewarded a text message that went like this: "Fuck u drue. U told mom to tell me not to text or call u Ur SUCH a pissy lil BITCH And I'm OVER trying to have a relationship with ur punk ass >:/"
      I'm not sure about you guys, but to me that little love note just screamed the amount of concern and affection that my older sister holds in her heart towards me. Bullshit, I get treated better by the blokes in my school.
   That's okay, because after school I went on an adventure of sorts with my friends (Bo & J) to take a walk in the woods, and play in the park. Whilst there we met the cutest little girl by the name of, Eden. She was two years old, blonde, and completely in command of my heart. She really was such a joy.
   

End of blog song: Kid On My Shoulder- Whit Rabbits

24/09/12

Sorry about yesterday's post, it was extremely rude and uncalled for. This blog is supposed to be a safe place where people can come and speak to me about their problems, or feel less alone. By bashing my friends who were doing just that I've contradicted myself, and what I wish to stand for. I am so sorry.

Drue :)

23/09/12

Begin of blog song: Belong Here- 78Violet

     I've started and re-started this post about ten times now. I'm not really sure what I have to say, if I in fact have anything to say in the first place, and I think I do. I believe that I mentioned before in one of my post's that I am the one that most of my friends rely on? Well, I'm not necessarily complaining about it, as I love knowing that my friends feel secure enough to rely on me. However, when I get phone calls instructing me to talk about nonsense because you're all riled up and need to be calmed down, and then hung up on when I've served my purpose. Or, when I am looked up on Facebook chat only to listen to you vent about the crap going on in your life without so much as a second thought to me. Then, and only then do I have a fucking problem with it.
     Yes love, I bloody well enjoy being your bleeding backbone and fracking anchor of support, and no I am not a freaking doctor, but it wouldn't  fucking kill you to ask me how I'm going and actually care enough to listen to the response before diving into your fucking bullshit. I'm sorry love, really truly, I understand mate, I do, you're going through a lot, the love of your life cheated on you, (I'm gay and in the closet so fuck you.) You're scared of thunder and need a friend? (I don't mind, I think this is cute, I wake up screaming but you've never asked if I'm alright, fuck you.)

      Alright yeah? I get it, I guess it's my own fault for being gay and in the closet and therefore not being able to talk about it, but when you don't even ask how I'm doing, and no, I know, you say "what's up?" but that's just for bloody common courtesy ain't it? Don't try to say that it isn't, love because when you start the damn chat with "Drue..." (ELLIPSIS AND ALL MIGHT I ADD!) I very well know that something is wrong and you just want a pick me up, or when you call me and simply say: "Can you just say something please? I really just need a distraction right now." And of course I do as I'm told like a good little pup, because fuck me right?
    Listen, I love you all a lot, I do, you mean a lot to me, I don't mind being your shoulder to cry on, but at the very least, I'd like the favour to be returned because guess what love? I've been spinning and spinning forever, and I've finally dropped.
     I can't help but feel that actually putting this on my blog will be a huge mistake, but I'm gonna do it anyways. Like I said, I don't mind being there for you, I don't. And this isn't all of my friends, just a selected few.

End of blog song: Numb- Linkin' Park.

21.09.12

I wish someone would hold me
And tell me everything's alright
I wish I never had a reason
To kick and scream at night

     Today was like any other day, I kind of just went through the motions methodically. I wonder if my friends ever get fed up with me and my pushy bullshit, I wonder if they wonder why they're even friends with me at all. I realize that I tend to be too much, as I act as if I'm really hyper and pumped up, but the truth is I'm just so bored with life and everything and I'm miserable, but I don't want to bring my friends down with me or make them worry, so I act like a jackass.

     I read somewhere that a "soulmate" can come in any form, not just that of a lover. If that's the case I hope my soulmate is a friend, I don't need a romantic relationship. But a simply decent friendship, where I don't feel like I'm being expected of too much or too little is really all I want. I suppose I have that now, and that my friends do accept me and all my setbacks, but I can't help but feel like I'm hindering them, or that they're simply humouring me? I guess that's not fair to them, but yet again who ever said life was fair? I didn't.
      Maybe this is just a bout of teenaged angst? Maybe it will pass and then I really would be normal and like everyone else? Well, logically speaking these feelings of mine won't last, as nothing in this world is completely permeant, so I should just suck it up. I know this much, I shouldn't ignore it because that won't exactly solve anything (assuming there is anything to be solved) and I suspect there is due to extreme suppression of emotions) so what I should be doing instead of seeking out refuge on the empty abyss of the internet is probably, get out there and carry on. (This post is pretty bad, I apologize.)
     Bottom line is, I act like a jackass/asshole/dumbass because in reality I've forgotten what it's like to feel much of anything, and in doing so I've become pretty jaded, so I try to act out in ways that will make me feel most "alive" or that best express my feelings of unease. I don't think I need help, I think what I need is a hobby. I think what I want is attention. What I want more than anything, is hope.


(Emily Dickinson) 
"Hope" is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all...

20.09.12

Begin of blog song: Above The Water- Art of Sleeping

      Today marks the anniversary of my brother's death. Four years ago today, my brother killed himself. A single bullet through his left temple, that exploded in his skull, didn't even try to get out. That one bullet embedded itself into his brain, becoming just as much a part of him as he wanted it to.

     I remember it so vividly when we found out the news, it was a Saturday. The most beautiful Saturday ever, especially for September, I was sitting in my kitchen with my mum, having a discussion about God, and why he let's people do what they do. I looked out the window while she was explaining to me what exactly it meant to have free will. I saw two bright yellow birds, land on our fence, and then one of them flew away, and the other was just left there, looking kind of sad. It nearly brought me to tears, I'm not sure why, but that one scene with those two birds bought more emotion to me than anything ever has.
     Anyways, after our discussion on God, my mum sent me downstairs for spaghetti sauce as it was around 4:50pm and that's what we were going to have for dinner. So, I take my 13 year old legs and skip down the stairs into the pantry room, and get the sauce. Half way up the stairs the phone rings, my mum is frantic. First happy to hear from D (my brothers live in girlfriend) then that happiness turns to confusion as she can't understand what's being said through what I imagine to be D's screams and tears. Finally, my mum gets the message, "MY SON!" pretty much that was it, on an endless loop. My mum screamed those words over and over again, screaming and crying it reached the point where her legs could no longer support her and she collapsed, just sort of caved in on herself.
     She didn't calm down, but she managed to pull it together long enough to tell me the news.
"Your brother shot himself." That was it, the only explanation. Not that I needed, or wanted one I suppose, I was shocked and had to bite my lip to stop from laughing out loud. I put down the sauce, grabbed my mums hand, and together we walked over to the apartment. My mum went down the family tree calling everyone and explaining the situation.
      I'm not sure what we were expecting to happen when we got there, but what did happen was we saw my brother's lifeless corpse being rolled into an ambulance. An uncle of mine met us at the apartment and gave us a ride to the hospital. We waited for five hours, only for them to tell us something that was pretty obvious. My brother was dead, died as soon as he pulled the trigger.
     We went home, everyone holding each other, everyone crying. And then there was me, they must have thought I was broken, but I wasn't. I'm not. I stood there, and looked at these people who didn't even care to call this kid on his birthday, who were not around for the birth of his daughter nor his son, I watched these people express so much emotions for this one dead person. And I felt nothing. Was it not clear to them that this was life? People live, and then they reproduce, and then they die, it's a fact. I didn't understand their tears, I still don't, not completely. But what I do understand is their guilt, because although no one is to be blamed for my brother's choice, we are all at fault for making him feel as if that was the only rational one to be made.

End of blog song: Be Still- The Fray

 

19.08.12

Begin of blog song: Red Face- Lucy Rose.

      I feel as if I am retreating back into myself, closing myself off from the rest of the world and slowly suffocating. There's so much in me, and it's not that I don't know what to do with it, it's like I don't know HOW to do what must be done. Today, I said something along the lines of: "I'm not even mad, but I am extremely pissed off."
     I haven't felt like this in a long time, and the best way I can describe this feeling, is to say that it feels like I am falling down an extremely dark whole and having the walls cave in, and the floor rise up. I feel trapped, but not by the things I wish I were, not by work, or peer pressure, nothing as sweet, and light as that. No, once again I find myself trapped by self-misery, pity, hatred, and such an extremely intense anger. Sprinkle a bit of loneliness, and you've nailed my general daily feelings to a T. I read somewhere once, "I am alone, but not lonely." that of course, is not the exact quote as I cannot remember it. The point however that the author was trying to make is that being alone and feeling lonely are two completely separate things. To be alone is an action, you are alone at your house, but you are not alone at the shopping mall with all your friends. To feel lonely is a soul ripping feeling, you feel lonely when you are home alone, you feel lonely at the shopping mall with all your friends.
 
     I'm not a complete daft twit as to not recognize where these feelings are coming from. My sister, if you recall me mentioning her in the past as being "fucked"is no less "fucked" to this day, no in fact I think she is even more fucked up than she was yesterday. I do not hate my sister, but respect is something I cannot say I have for her. She is everything I do not want to know. She is the type of person who will point out one million horrible things about me, and then somehow dilute herself into thinking that she is doing me some sort of grand favour, that I myself must thank her by doing anything and all that she says. Thus the anger.
     I am very much aware that all of what she says or suspects of me is the truth, I am an asshole, I do not care about others as much as I pretend to, although I try not to I silently judge others even when they don't deserve it, I have no idea what I am doing with myself or my life, I do not like myself and I'm not sure I ever have. Therefore, self-hatred.
     I don't think that anyone, let alone myself should have to deal with such emotions as the ones listed above, I don't think anyone should have to deal with their worlds being turned upside down just because someone decided to take their lives into their own hands. This will be self-pity.

     However, I do have to deal with all of that, and that's just the way the world works, there's nothing I can do about it, so I will continue to hate myself, and then pity myself, and then become disgusted with myself for said pitying. Here is my Misery.
     I have no one to talk to or listen to me, I carry all of these emotions by myself, because I am too afraid to open up and simply tell someone "listen, I need help, I can't do this on my own anymore." but even I can learn from mistakes, and I don't think opening up is worth locking myself in my room and crying myself to sleep every night. I am alone in all of this, and I am forced to watch everyone else prance around with their happy faces and their bright smiles. I am beside myself.This is loneliness.

End of blog song: Sleazy Bed Track- Bluetones

17/09/12

Begin of blog song: Comin' Home- City and Colour

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me,
The carriage held but just our selves,
And immortality.
-Emily Dickinson

To all of my readers,

     I understand that my post have been lacking their usual charm and have started.... or will start.... to circulate around a more morbid topic. Instead of my usual talk of hope, I will start to talk about death, specifically the loss that I have experienced. You can expect this trend to start from the 20th, to 11th so if this discussion choice makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, then I advise you to stay clear until the twelfth of October, when I will return to the topic of hope, and thoughts, and random bullshit. That is all, and I do not apologize if I cause ANYONE discomfort or whatever, because this is MY blog, and I make the fucking rules here.

Yours truly,

Drew. S

End of blog song: Medicine- Daughter

This Is Not A Poem

Begin of blog song: Shelter- Birdy                                                                        

The way I see it, we were all once angels 
That have committed such a horrible act
Which has gotten us kicked out of the gates of heaven,
And exiled to this hell now known as Earth.
Waiting to face our judgement,
Hoping to be blessed once again

By the grace of God.
Fearing if we are not,
Despising the thought of an eternity in this imprisonment,
So we thrash and howl,
Doing anything and all that we can
For our disdain of this place to be recognized.
For our voices to be heard.
Only to realize
We are all alone
This is not Hell
For Hell is what we become.
How then do we repent?
How, do we get back home?
We bow our heads,
And break our bones.
Hoping forever that there's such thing as RETURN.

End of blog song: Run- Daughter

Just take a moment for yourself.

Begin of blog song: My Rollercoaster- Kimya Dawnson

 Take a second for yourself, just sit down and breath. Feel the seat beneath you, feel the air entering your lungs, hear the sounds around you. No not the man-made sounds of the t.v or the hum of the electricity, but the different sounds, the sounds that you so easily block out. Just take a second and think about nothing, don't think about anything. Just let the comfort and serenity of today wash over you.
     Do you see it? How easy it is to disconnect yourself from outside forces, how easy it is to make everything disappear? Have you ever taken a moment to think of how easy it would be for you to disappear?
     You do not see the dust particles around you, does that mean that they're not there? No, it just means that they are insignificant to you, they do not exist to you. Imagine yourself in a crowd of ten people, now one hundred, a thousand, a million. Imagine yourself as simply one person in this world, there are about seven billion people on this Earth to date, imagine yourself as just one of them. You are now 1/7billion, you are now insignificant, and yet, that's not the end of it. Out of these 7billion. there is about 20000 with the same eye colour as you, 15000 with the same last name as you, let's say 30000 with the same birthday. 3500000 with the same interests, 500000 with the same talents, 800000 with the same beliefs and opinions. You are now less significant than dust, everyone on Earth is aware of dust, even if they don't immediately think about it, no one is aware of you.

     Now think of Earth, your world, my world, our world. Think of it in comparison to all the planets, now the milky way. The milky way is only one galaxy, according to scientist there is so much more out there. The universe, even though it is the biggest thing out there, since ever, it just keeps expanding. Meteors? They're partially made out of dust/dirt, correct? That now makes dirt/dust, not just more significant than yourself, but the whole human race.
     In our own rights, we all insignificant, no matter what. Even the greatest of us mean nothing to someone, and yet, even the smallest most insignificant of us means the world to someone else. Insignificance is simply a matter of perspective. My perspective from behind this computer screen, is that if either one of you who are reading this or who are not, were to drop dead this second, I wouldn't realize it, I wouldn't care, I would not notice. And yet, somehow through some sort of cosmic force, if I were to get a phone call and during that call I was told that that person who just a second ago was not even a  thought in my mind, that person who I just described to be insignificant to me has passed away, that they were my family, or friend, or even a passing acquaintance  what does that then mean?
       The point, although I think the way I tried to lead up to it was a bit shaky, and unclear, is. Yes, you are insignificant to someone, less of a thought than the particles of dust floating in the air, but to someone else, to your mum, or sister, or father, friend, cousin, crush, boy/girlfriend. You are EXTREMELY important, and they love and care for you. You are NOT insignificant, and you are NOT alone.

I understand that this is a long post, and serious, I also understand that most of you have given up reading this from the time I started listing random/made up statistics and numbers. However, to those of you that have stuck around to see the point behind this ramble, thank you.

End of blog song: Pretty Girl- Sugarcult

12/09/12

Begin of blog song: Can't Stand It- Never Shout Never

     Okay, so hey people! Does it offend you guys that I stopped addressing you whilst writing these thingies? I mean it went from me addressing you guys all the time to simply diving into whatever random topic I am currently discussing, ha ah ah.
     OKAY! I have a challenge for you peeps! COMMENT! Or something, I somehow feel like a real loser sitting here talking to myself on the internet... (that sounded incredibly needy.. like "please be my friend oh please, please, pleas?!?! Sorry guys..)
     Oh, and yes, I cut my hair just like I said I would! (not that you care...) (ANOTHER ELLIPSIS!) Do you guys like wonder why I use so much parenthesis in these *flogs? It's because, It's my way of interacting with you guys and making myself think that I'm funny... CONFIDENCE BOOSTER!

    Okay, seriously, I'll stop with the ellipsis now, and the parenthesis, and with starting my thingies with "OKAY", right well [all most said okay there] < brackets, NOT parenthesis. Anyways, It really bothers me when I say things like oh look ellipsis and then people look at me like I have ten heads. I mean hello, you use them after ever damned word! The LEAST you can do is learn their proper calling name you damn twit! Wow, talk about being pretentious.
     Someone once told me that I was aggressive, not physically, but verbally, and I guess my mannerism is slightly aggressive, and I do have a slight pirate mouth, um sure, I do go on a lot of random rants a lot and like if y'all don't like any of that, then uh, I don't know, deal with it I guess? Ha ha ha, I'm only kidding! Except, I'm not.
     Did I tell you guys about this smoking hawt lady teacher at my school? Well, I am now, and I will say this one thing, I am in LUST with her... that's a bit extreme, is it illegal to write things like this on the internet? Should I take down all the pervy things I've said? Oh my gosh, if that's the case then this whole blog will be deleted.
     Uh, I actually have something profound to post one of these days, like the last deep thing I wrote, but um yeah I don't know. You'll know when you see it/read it (?).
   I ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO ADD THAT EVEN IF I AM NOT LISTENING TO MUSIC ORIGINALLY I START TO FOR MY BLOGS JUST FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS SITE, SO YOU'RE WELCOME WORLD!

End Of Blog Song: KottonMouth Kings- Tangerine Sky

*Flog: Fail Blog

11/09/12

Begin of blog song: Big Bang Theory (theme song)- Bare Naked Ladies

  

     Today was a cheesecake day! By that, I obviously mean that I looked like a rockstar, and for the first time ever in the history of my existence, the library owed ME money! How much more stellar can life get?!
     I am also going to cut my hair, from the beautiful length of past my shoulders to probably a bob, ( why the HELL do they call them Bob's? Why not Zoidberg?) I will totally get yelled at and then murdered at school tomorrow, why? Because apparently the best thing about me is my freaking hair ! :/ That's annoying IMO
   Thinking of swapping bio for physics, and drama for keyboard, what do y'all think? This will obviously be for next semester as yeah, I don't know, it just will be!
     Anyways, I'm doing my hair right now and have the sneaking suspicion that someone is reading over my shoulder so TATA :)

End of blog song: Super Mario Bros Theme....- IDK WHO IT'S BY OKAY?!?!?!

10/09/12 (I need to stop this)

Begin of blog song: Open Your Eyes- Snow Patrol

     I would like to start this blog off by saying that today was not the worst day ever, but my attitude throughout the course of events that have played out have very much morphed today into if not just that, than something terribly close to it. Ten days from today will mark the anniversary of my older brothers death. I like to pretend that it doesn't effect me, and that I do not care, but as the days, months, even years have passed since that fateful day, I've come to a conclusion that I never wanted to see before. It did effect me, and it still is effecting me.
     Death or loss of any kind is a horrible and terrible thing to deal with, and no one should have to deal with it alone, not if they don't want to, or have to. I choose to deal with my grief on my own because that's the only possible outcome I can think of. My mum is already going through a lot on her own, why should I burden her any further? My sister is, to sum it up fucked. My friends, although I do hold most of them dearly to my heart, I always feel like I am much more suitable to listen to their problems, than to burry them under my own. So then who do I turn to? Who else besides the people of the internet, my own kin who are dealing with much worst, and terrible things than I.
      What do I not do about this problem of mine? I don't deal with it, and that my friends is the plain and sad truth. I am a person who would much prefer to suppress and repress than to express and accept. My emotions that is, along with certain memories I suppose. I know that this is far from healthy I am well aware of the fact that this will only be me digging myself into a deeper, darker whole of despair and yet, I do nothing to change this. They say (and by "they" I mean the experts, the doctors, the people who believe/would like to believe that they have it all figured out) that acceptance is the first step, that you must accept that you have a problem in order to get better. I disagree, you can acknowledge the problem, and stare it in the face as long and as hard as you want to but in the end if you don't know what to do with this knew found realization than it's as if you never knew in the first place.
     I don't tell you all of this crap (because that's what this is, crap and bullshit... my crap and bullshit albeit that I find semi-important but you do not give a fuck about) because I wish for your sympathy, or empathy, or because I want you to think "Oh look, this girl on the internet, she's such a fucking downer." no, please, I don't want you guys to think that, I don't want you guys to think anything at all. I just thought, since I felt like I have no one to talk to, I should do just that and not speak to anyone at all. Good night/evening/day/morning/bye. I will see (not really...) you all tomorrow.

End of blog song: I'll Be- Edwin McCain.

To those of you that have been reading my blog, who do need someone to listen to you, my email address is boo-boo32@hotmail.com I do not promise help, or salvation, I only promise a listening ear, and a kind voice. 

09/09/12

beging of blog song: Heartfelt Lies- Ron Pope

     Okay, so firstly I would like to congratulate... myself! For being AMAZING haha, kidding, kidding, I'm congratulating myself for
a) keeping up with this blog
b) finishing all my homework this morning instead of like 12am tomorrow morning... so *pat on back*!
     I would like to continue this post to comment on something I posted a few days ago about being here for you guys if you feel as if you're going through some hard times. I'm not saying in anyway what so ever that I have all the answers, I'm not even promising that I can help, what I'm promising you guys is that if you need someone to listen to you, I'm here. I'm not sure if you can contact me or not through here, so I am going to leave my email address at the end of this blog post for you. Personally I prefer emails over IM's just because I check my email's much more frequently than I am actually online. So, do with that information what you please.
     Today was kind of lacklustre, I was supposed to hang out with some friends but those plans fell through, it seems like that almost always happens to me when I make plans, it's kind of sad.

  

     Lately I've been feeling a bit sick, nothing to be alarmed about yet,  but it's still a bit worrisome so if I do not make a post in a few days it's probably because I dropped dead on my way to school... That wasn't funny, I know, I'm sorry, I'll never make another joke in my whole entire life... that's a lie, sorry, I know I shouldn't lie to my invisible humanoids. ^^

-Peace out girl scouts! (That's totally unfair of me to assume that all my non-readers are girls or scouts.. I'm pretty sure some of you invisi folks are guys as well or fall somewhere in between or nowhere at all on that spectrum.)

End of blog song: Reach- Eyes Set To Kill

08/09/12 <- This is what it's come to I see.

Begin of blog song: Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi

     Today was the laziest day of my existence, actually I don't think it was, but it kind of was, I had a nice breakfast of:
-Nutella sandwiches
-yogourt
-tea
and then I just ate snacks for the rest of the day. I TRIED to watch The Avengers, sadly that did not fall through as my laptop kept on freezing. I need to get that external hard drive and quickly, sigh oh well.
      I feel like I really do just throw up my daily thoughts onto this blog, it's so unstructured and  unorganized I should probably change that, yet again I'm the meaning of lazy... so maybe not.
     Have you ever realized how much crap you have on your iPod/iTunes/mp3/whathaveyou? I mean, I listen to music all the time, a day does not go by where I do not listen to at least one song, or play the piano, or sing, or whatever and when I do this, I am ALWAYS shocked over the fact that half of the songs I know, or have on my iTunes I don't even like anymore, in some cases I never even liked them to begin with! I think that's amazing!

  

     Also, well not also, because this is not an add on of my previous paragraph, but uh I realized that I sometimes have the tendency to act like an asshole, not like a terrible assholey asshole, just like you know like a pretty negative person, who gives off semi-assholey vibes.... I hope other people don't think of me like this, and that this is only some sort of reaction caused by my low self-esteem. Here's hoping, eh?

End of blog song: Killer Queen- Queen

07/09/12

Begin of blog song: Above The Water- Art Of Sleeping

Obviously how I looked on photo day and how my ID was supposed to look.

Hello humanoids,  having a fantastic Friday I hope.  Alright today's recap:

-went to school all dolled up

-went to classes like a good little girl

-hang out with friends at lunch

-spilt pasta sauce all over my beige pants

I just got home from school by the way and I'm already stuffing my face with a pizza and a salad. I'd show you a picture of that as well, except this isn't instagram and I like to eat my food, not take pictures of it. You actually own an instagram now and have a total of two food pics on there.

  

My weekend plans are pretty much to do everything in my power to put off my Spanish homework until the last possible second... and my chemistry homework. Shit! Just remembered I forgot my sociology textbook at school.... looks like I'm not reading THAT chapter anytime soon.... 

I'll see YOU tomorrow *winkey face*

Oh! Speaking of winkie faces, my Spanish teacher, man her personality is AWESMAZING! Best I've seen in awhile, too bad she's too old for me... HAHA Just kidding, that's illegal, and yeah.... Byeeeee.

TODAY IS THURSDAY! (Duh)

Begin of blog song: Colourblind- Art of Sleeping

     I should be doing Spanish and math homework, but instead I am here, with you guys, my inviso-huminoids, I know try to hold back your tears of gratitude will ya? I am also supposed to be painting my nails, why? Because I said I was going to do them from Sunday evening and I still haven't, that's why. Anyhow, ramble ramble ramble squawk squawk squawk, Ummm yeah.

  

     Tomorrow is picture day! I'll take a picture before I leave so y'all can see how fucking fab' I look ;) *winkie face* uh, My hair is an asshole, like a total mutha' fuuka' but what can I say. I've been swearing like a pirate from since last night. Honestly what the hell is wrong with me? I use to have the WORST potty mouth back in the sixth grade and kicked the habit pretty quickly. Now here I am once-a-fucking-gain with the same bullshit! I apologize to my many non-readers, and will stop this rancid habit once again, just for you guys. Because I know that if you're reading this you're one fancy beast, and I find that attractive *winkie face*. Ew.
     Anyways, I think I am going to maybe leave now, maybe? No? Okay, I'll stay a bit longer. Um, haha I like to "joke" around with my friends a lot that I am a roaring lesbo, and I put quotations around the word joke, because who the hell knows if it's a joke or not? I f*cking don't! (See what I did there? I censored my words, just for you babe) but who cares either way? No matter what your preference is, or sexual orientation is, you deserve to be happy and loved and I support you and am here for you 100%, just so you know! Also, that doesn't just go to the whole gay/bi people etc., it goes to anyone struggling or dealing with something they feel is too big for them to handle on their own, I may not be much besides a crazy creepy internet baby, but I am here for you and so are many other people. I don't know, sounds like a lot of crap eh? But it's not, I know what it's like to feel that terrible loneliness, I know that feeling of not being able to handle shit on your own and breaking down in your room at night, I know that, and I know it sucks. So speak to someone, you have someone in your life that cares about you. And if you don't then you fucking have me love, and I'm a freaking rock star! Ignoring the rockstar comment this is always true.

End of blog song: Everything's Okay- Lenka

LAlalala

Begin of blog song: Heart Skips A Beat- Lenka

  

     First day blues? What are you talking about?? Good news folks! My second day of junior year was MOONS better than my first day, Ahh, so happy! Actually, this'll be cut short and continued later, as I am so hungry.

  

Mid blog song: Your Ex-lover Is Dead- Stars

     Hi guys, I'm back. My second day of school was pretty fun, I love STEPS (the 'ologies) and Spanish, best classes this year I'm pretty excited for tomorrow, even if it does rain! :)

End of blog song: Are You Free- White Rabbits

XD

Begin of blog song: Cryin'- AeroSmith

  

     Today was my first day of school! At first I really hated it, but later on I started to enjoy it a lot, and then my friend came over for lunch and we hung out. I was really scared that I wouldn't  have any of my friends in my classes, as I don't know a lot of people but luckily, I recognized a few faces in all of my classes. Nothing really spectacular to right about, oh my favourite mug broke today, I saw a dead cat on my way to school, and it was raining like crazy. How's that for a first day of school? I win! (Win what?) Nothing, that's what.

End of blog song: Band of Heroes- The Funeral

02/09/2012 (not even going to try)

Begin of blog song: Better Off- Jeff Sacharski & Olivia Rudeen

  

     So sorry people, there was no post yesterday. However, I have a good reason for this, as you all know, or should know... (Who are "you all", no one, that's who since no one reads this)... I went to Wonderland yesterday, for the first time EVER! (As a born and raised Torontonian this is a pretty huge deal) I LOVED it by the by! Roller coasters are the best invention EVER! What I did NOT love, was the fact that half way on my way to said Land of Wonder, I got my period. Fuck. Oh no, not only was it enough for me to get the bloody gift! (Luckily my friends mum had extra equipment) I also had HORRIBLE cramps. Double fuck. That did not stop me though, I went on a whole bunch of rides, including the Leviathan, and I was also able to check out some pretty smoking babes while I was there. All in all, excluding a few minor glitches, it was AWESOME.
     Today, however, I still very much have my period, and *KC's. Sadly, (more like tragically) those magic pills that the doc. prescribed to make my KC's go bye-bye, do not, have not, and will not work. Too bad for me though I've got to use 'em 'til they're done, or at least three months before I can switch to something more... effective.
      Anywho, that was my magnificent adventure, and my bloody tail. Aren't you glad I'm back? I bet you missed me loads! See you next time my very lovely  **Ivisi-Humanoids!

End of blog song: You Will Lie- Small Sins

*KC= Killer Cramps.

  

**Ivisi-Humanopds= Invisible Humans, as no one reads my blogs, this is a joke... with myself...