19.08.12

Begin of blog song: Red Face- Lucy Rose.

      I feel as if I am retreating back into myself, closing myself off from the rest of the world and slowly suffocating. There's so much in me, and it's not that I don't know what to do with it, it's like I don't know HOW to do what must be done. Today, I said something along the lines of: "I'm not even mad, but I am extremely pissed off."
     I haven't felt like this in a long time, and the best way I can describe this feeling, is to say that it feels like I am falling down an extremely dark whole and having the walls cave in, and the floor rise up. I feel trapped, but not by the things I wish I were, not by work, or peer pressure, nothing as sweet, and light as that. No, once again I find myself trapped by self-misery, pity, hatred, and such an extremely intense anger. Sprinkle a bit of loneliness, and you've nailed my general daily feelings to a T. I read somewhere once, "I am alone, but not lonely." that of course, is not the exact quote as I cannot remember it. The point however that the author was trying to make is that being alone and feeling lonely are two completely separate things. To be alone is an action, you are alone at your house, but you are not alone at the shopping mall with all your friends. To feel lonely is a soul ripping feeling, you feel lonely when you are home alone, you feel lonely at the shopping mall with all your friends.
 
     I'm not a complete daft twit as to not recognize where these feelings are coming from. My sister, if you recall me mentioning her in the past as being "fucked"is no less "fucked" to this day, no in fact I think she is even more fucked up than she was yesterday. I do not hate my sister, but respect is something I cannot say I have for her. She is everything I do not want to know. She is the type of person who will point out one million horrible things about me, and then somehow dilute herself into thinking that she is doing me some sort of grand favour, that I myself must thank her by doing anything and all that she says. Thus the anger.
     I am very much aware that all of what she says or suspects of me is the truth, I am an asshole, I do not care about others as much as I pretend to, although I try not to I silently judge others even when they don't deserve it, I have no idea what I am doing with myself or my life, I do not like myself and I'm not sure I ever have. Therefore, self-hatred.
     I don't think that anyone, let alone myself should have to deal with such emotions as the ones listed above, I don't think anyone should have to deal with their worlds being turned upside down just because someone decided to take their lives into their own hands. This will be self-pity.

     However, I do have to deal with all of that, and that's just the way the world works, there's nothing I can do about it, so I will continue to hate myself, and then pity myself, and then become disgusted with myself for said pitying. Here is my Misery.
     I have no one to talk to or listen to me, I carry all of these emotions by myself, because I am too afraid to open up and simply tell someone "listen, I need help, I can't do this on my own anymore." but even I can learn from mistakes, and I don't think opening up is worth locking myself in my room and crying myself to sleep every night. I am alone in all of this, and I am forced to watch everyone else prance around with their happy faces and their bright smiles. I am beside myself.This is loneliness.

End of blog song: Sleazy Bed Track- Bluetones