Begin of blog song: Open Your Eyes- Snow Patrol
I would like to start this blog off by saying that today was not the worst day ever, but my attitude throughout the course of events that have played out have very much morphed today into if not just that, than something terribly close to it. Ten days from today will mark the anniversary of my older brothers death. I like to pretend that it doesn't effect me, and that I do not care, but as the days, months, even years have passed since that fateful day, I've come to a conclusion that I never wanted to see before. It did effect me, and it still is effecting me.
Death or loss of any kind is a horrible and terrible thing to deal with, and no one should have to deal with it alone, not if they don't want to, or have to. I choose to deal with my grief on my own because that's the only possible outcome I can think of. My mum is already going through a lot on her own, why should I burden her any further? My sister is, to sum it up fucked. My friends, although I do hold most of them dearly to my heart, I always feel like I am much more suitable to listen to their problems, than to burry them under my own. So then who do I turn to? Who else besides the people of the internet, my own kin who are dealing with much worst, and terrible things than I.
What do I not do about this problem of mine? I don't deal with it, and that my friends is the plain and sad truth. I am a person who would much prefer to suppress and repress than to express and accept. My emotions that is, along with certain memories I suppose. I know that this is far from healthy I am well aware of the fact that this will only be me digging myself into a deeper, darker whole of despair and yet, I do nothing to change this. They say (and by "they" I mean the experts, the doctors, the people who believe/would like to believe that they have it all figured out) that acceptance is the first step, that you must accept that you have a problem in order to get better. I disagree, you can acknowledge the problem, and stare it in the face as long and as hard as you want to but in the end if you don't know what to do with this knew found realization than it's as if you never knew in the first place.
I don't tell you all of this crap (because that's what this is, crap and bullshit... my crap and bullshit albeit that I find semi-important but you do not give a fuck about) because I wish for your sympathy, or empathy, or because I want you to think "Oh look, this girl on the internet, she's such a fucking downer." no, please, I don't want you guys to think that, I don't want you guys to think anything at all. I just thought, since I felt like I have no one to talk to, I should do just that and not speak to anyone at all. Good night/evening/day/morning/bye. I will see (not really...) you all tomorrow.
End of blog song: I'll Be- Edwin McCain.
To those of you that have been reading my blog, who do need someone to listen to you, my email address is boo-boo32@hotmail.com I do not promise help, or salvation, I only promise a listening ear, and a kind voice.
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