21.09.12

I wish someone would hold me
And tell me everything's alright
I wish I never had a reason
To kick and scream at night

     Today was like any other day, I kind of just went through the motions methodically. I wonder if my friends ever get fed up with me and my pushy bullshit, I wonder if they wonder why they're even friends with me at all. I realize that I tend to be too much, as I act as if I'm really hyper and pumped up, but the truth is I'm just so bored with life and everything and I'm miserable, but I don't want to bring my friends down with me or make them worry, so I act like a jackass.

     I read somewhere that a "soulmate" can come in any form, not just that of a lover. If that's the case I hope my soulmate is a friend, I don't need a romantic relationship. But a simply decent friendship, where I don't feel like I'm being expected of too much or too little is really all I want. I suppose I have that now, and that my friends do accept me and all my setbacks, but I can't help but feel like I'm hindering them, or that they're simply humouring me? I guess that's not fair to them, but yet again who ever said life was fair? I didn't.
      Maybe this is just a bout of teenaged angst? Maybe it will pass and then I really would be normal and like everyone else? Well, logically speaking these feelings of mine won't last, as nothing in this world is completely permeant, so I should just suck it up. I know this much, I shouldn't ignore it because that won't exactly solve anything (assuming there is anything to be solved) and I suspect there is due to extreme suppression of emotions) so what I should be doing instead of seeking out refuge on the empty abyss of the internet is probably, get out there and carry on. (This post is pretty bad, I apologize.)
     Bottom line is, I act like a jackass/asshole/dumbass because in reality I've forgotten what it's like to feel much of anything, and in doing so I've become pretty jaded, so I try to act out in ways that will make me feel most "alive" or that best express my feelings of unease. I don't think I need help, I think what I need is a hobby. I think what I want is attention. What I want more than anything, is hope.


(Emily Dickinson) 
"Hope" is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all...