Begin fo blog song: Heartbeat x Car Radio; Childish Gambino / Twenty One Pilots
"I don't know. I don't know anything. All I know is that I want my body to be covered in ink. I want to drown in it. I want them to be able to read the story on my skin. The story of a that I tried to live."
Thursday, 13 August 2015
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
One Day.
Begin of blog song: Every Other Freckle; Alt-J
I want to die, but that's not right either. If I really wanted to die, I would. I want to cause enough pain and damage to my body that it's irreversible, until what I'm feeling is finally justifiable. I want to tear away at my chest with my nails, claw away at my ribs and rip out my heart until all that is left for me to do is to sink my decaying fingers into its beating pulses. I want to locate the hurt and make a physical manifestation of it. I want everyone to have a visual representation of what it's like living in my skin. I want to write, "fragile, handle with care" on my being and then fling myself down a winding set of stairs. I want my bones to break and shatter, I want to make sense of my pain in a way that I can comfortably justify and everyone else can readily identify. I want to love myself one day.
End of blog song: Good For You; Selena Gomes ft. A$AP Rocky.
I want to die, but that's not right either. If I really wanted to die, I would. I want to cause enough pain and damage to my body that it's irreversible, until what I'm feeling is finally justifiable. I want to tear away at my chest with my nails, claw away at my ribs and rip out my heart until all that is left for me to do is to sink my decaying fingers into its beating pulses. I want to locate the hurt and make a physical manifestation of it. I want everyone to have a visual representation of what it's like living in my skin. I want to write, "fragile, handle with care" on my being and then fling myself down a winding set of stairs. I want my bones to break and shatter, I want to make sense of my pain in a way that I can comfortably justify and everyone else can readily identify. I want to love myself one day.
End of blog song: Good For You; Selena Gomes ft. A$AP Rocky.
Tuesday, 11 August 2015
Dreaming.
Begin of blog song: Terms and Conditions; Chet Faker.
I dreamt about you for the first time in forever. I don't want to go into detail about it, but I wasn't prepared. Crazy how someone can completely shatter your heart and you can still see the good in them, still see recognize the parts of them that you fell in love with even when they refuse to show it to you as willingly or as often as they once have. Even if they still manage to do things every day to further break your heart, but you refuse to leave because once in a blue moon they show you the person they use to be. They show you the person that use to be in love with you too.
End of blog song: 90210; Blackbear ft. G-Eazy.
I dreamt about you for the first time in forever. I don't want to go into detail about it, but I wasn't prepared. Crazy how someone can completely shatter your heart and you can still see the good in them, still see recognize the parts of them that you fell in love with even when they refuse to show it to you as willingly or as often as they once have. Even if they still manage to do things every day to further break your heart, but you refuse to leave because once in a blue moon they show you the person they use to be. They show you the person that use to be in love with you too.
End of blog song: 90210; Blackbear ft. G-Eazy.
Monday, 10 August 2015
Pub Night.
Begin of blog song: Jim Morrison; Jon Bellion
So, as you know, I'm back in action. As you also know, I didn't post anything yesterday, and for once, I actually have a pretty good reason as to why that is. Yesterday, I decided that I wouldn't post anything until the evening, that way I'd actually have something to post, but instead of staying in all night like I planned, my friend, M, talked me into going out with her to a pub. We drank, a lot, I drank slightly more than a lot if I'm being completely honest. Now, usually I can hold my liquor like a champ, but I also usually don't drink on a completely empty stomach, mix my drinks, or drink things that taste like they've been made in a sugar factory. As a result of breaking all of my usual rules, I ended up being "white girl wasted". There was a lot of vomit (sorry TTC), a lot of pouting and nearly crying, and even more laughing at stupid shit and having to pee what felt like every five seconds. To make things worse, I also drunkenly texted my ex (my ex and I are actually on pretty good terms, so my texting her at all isn't really a weird thing.., me texting her that I love her? Yeah, that was weird as shit). By the time I got home, I was hardly able to pull myself together enough to brush my teeth, take off my vomit covered jeans (ew), throw my bra somewhere and collapse into bed. Thank god M was nice enough to actually make sure that I made it into bed and completed all of those tasks.
Today, was a lot more mild thank goodness, I woke up at around seven (not hungover thank god), cleaned my room, watched Teen Wolf, and now I'm making myself dinner (pasta!). Even though I had a lot of fun last night, I don't think I'll be doing that again, or at the very least if I do I'll make sure that I do it a lot wiser.
Remember kids, learn from my mistakes, "beer before liquor never sicker, liquor before beer you're in the clear"!
-Peace out girl scouts.
End of blog song: Someday; The Strokes.
So, as you know, I'm back in action. As you also know, I didn't post anything yesterday, and for once, I actually have a pretty good reason as to why that is. Yesterday, I decided that I wouldn't post anything until the evening, that way I'd actually have something to post, but instead of staying in all night like I planned, my friend, M, talked me into going out with her to a pub. We drank, a lot, I drank slightly more than a lot if I'm being completely honest. Now, usually I can hold my liquor like a champ, but I also usually don't drink on a completely empty stomach, mix my drinks, or drink things that taste like they've been made in a sugar factory. As a result of breaking all of my usual rules, I ended up being "white girl wasted". There was a lot of vomit (sorry TTC), a lot of pouting and nearly crying, and even more laughing at stupid shit and having to pee what felt like every five seconds. To make things worse, I also drunkenly texted my ex (my ex and I are actually on pretty good terms, so my texting her at all isn't really a weird thing.., me texting her that I love her? Yeah, that was weird as shit). By the time I got home, I was hardly able to pull myself together enough to brush my teeth, take off my vomit covered jeans (ew), throw my bra somewhere and collapse into bed. Thank god M was nice enough to actually make sure that I made it into bed and completed all of those tasks.
Today, was a lot more mild thank goodness, I woke up at around seven (not hungover thank god), cleaned my room, watched Teen Wolf, and now I'm making myself dinner (pasta!). Even though I had a lot of fun last night, I don't think I'll be doing that again, or at the very least if I do I'll make sure that I do it a lot wiser.
Remember kids, learn from my mistakes, "beer before liquor never sicker, liquor before beer you're in the clear"!
-Peace out girl scouts.
End of blog song: Someday; The Strokes.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
Update.
Begin of blog song: Ship To Wreck; Florence + The Machine.
Hey, there. So, it's definitely been awhile, hasn't it? In my previous post I mentioned that there would be pictures along with this update, however, I'm currently on my period and so pictures are sure as fuck not going to happen. Let's begin.
Name: Drew
Age: 19
Date: 08.08.15
University update:
1. dyed the back of my hair bright pink and the front bright blue.
2. moved into dorms.
3. met my roommates (there were five of us in an apartment like setting, I shared my room with one other girl, let's call her O).
4. came out to my roommates (I'm out to just about everyone at this point, my room in my mum's house has like two pride flags in it. If someone doesn't know that I'm gay it's because they're not paying attention, not because I'm still in the closet. It always gets better).
5. had a major freak out over having to go through the anniversary of my brother's death without my family's support (that never really gets easier, sorry).
6. met E and the rest of the gang.
6.5 developed a major crush on E.
7. dyed my hair dark purple.
8. Halloween; got drunk off my ass and danced all night with E.
9. permed my hair for the last time.
10. got into an argument with O (realized just how much I hated having to share intimate space with another person... there were a lot of arguments).
11. bleached my hair and dyed it lilac, decided that I am not going to perm my hair anymore.
12. got tattoo number three with E for my birthday (we did not get anything matching, I only have a matching tattoo with one person, and that's my sister... yes, that sister.)
13. got over my infatuation with E when I realized that although there was something between us, neither of us were willing to make the first move
14. my sister gave birth for the second time.
15. decided to live off of campus for my second year with E (dorms are, a fun experience but you have to keep in mind that a lot of people are living away from home and experiencing their freedom for the first time ever)
16. survived my first set of exams, found a place to live for my second year throughout, moved back to my mum's house for the time being.
Summer update:
1. got two new tattoos (making a grand total of five).
2. actually got a summer job.
3. lost my summer job (not my fault, it was babysitting, the mother had quit her job.) and was unable to find a replacement job.
4. shaved half of my head (the sides and the back).
5. took a pole dancing class. (I'm not even close to being sort of sexy).
6. decided that I am not longer going to colour or flat iron my hair (finally going to have a healthy hair journey)
7. went to my third ever annual pride event with K that just so happened to be a pool party (there was lots of alcohol, and lots of dancing, I even took a dip in the pool).
8. E came to visit (then I went to visit her).
9. had my first club experience with K (the worst parts were the sober parts).
10. played a drinking game on the beach.
11. looked for jobs, turned down jobs.
12. hung out with O (on more than one occasion, it was fun).
13. spent more money than I own (learned about the downside to owning a credit card... it's okay, I'm in the green now).
14. obsessed over the fact that I'm moving out at the end of the month. (I'm still obsessing over this, let's be honest.)
15. my ex-girlfriend (yeah, the one from high school, it's complicated... not really, I'm still in love with her, she's not in love with me, she's my kryptonite) decided to leave and then re-enter my life again on multiple occasions. (On this particular occasion she told me I'm beautiful and that she misses me... yes, I'm perfectly aware how unhealthy and emotionally manipulative this all is, I'm trying my best to deal with it.)
16. found a temporary job that won't make me want to kill myself. (hopefully).
17. my mother left to go to Jamaica to attend a funeral.
I'm sure that I did a lot more than that, especially since this was/is my first legal summer in Toronto, but it's 1 in the afternoon and my cramps are kicking my ass, (the KC's have never left), forgive me for not being thorough enough. I'm not perfect, my life is always going to come with a slew of ups and downs, but I am trying to become someone who I won't always hate. I still live with my mental illnesses, I still keep things from the people that I love/care about, I'm still mean and cruel and broken, I still feel like I'm drowning sometimes, but I try not to let that get to me as much these days.
-Peace out girl scouts.
End of blog song: Eyes to the Sky; Jon Bellion
Hey, there. So, it's definitely been awhile, hasn't it? In my previous post I mentioned that there would be pictures along with this update, however, I'm currently on my period and so pictures are sure as fuck not going to happen. Let's begin.
Name: Drew
Age: 19
Date: 08.08.15
University update:
1. dyed the back of my hair bright pink and the front bright blue.
2. moved into dorms.
3. met my roommates (there were five of us in an apartment like setting, I shared my room with one other girl, let's call her O).
4. came out to my roommates (I'm out to just about everyone at this point, my room in my mum's house has like two pride flags in it. If someone doesn't know that I'm gay it's because they're not paying attention, not because I'm still in the closet. It always gets better).
5. had a major freak out over having to go through the anniversary of my brother's death without my family's support (that never really gets easier, sorry).
6. met E and the rest of the gang.
6.5 developed a major crush on E.
7. dyed my hair dark purple.
8. Halloween; got drunk off my ass and danced all night with E.
9. permed my hair for the last time.
10. got into an argument with O (realized just how much I hated having to share intimate space with another person... there were a lot of arguments).
11. bleached my hair and dyed it lilac, decided that I am not going to perm my hair anymore.
12. got tattoo number three with E for my birthday (we did not get anything matching, I only have a matching tattoo with one person, and that's my sister... yes, that sister.)
13. got over my infatuation with E when I realized that although there was something between us, neither of us were willing to make the first move
14. my sister gave birth for the second time.
15. decided to live off of campus for my second year with E (dorms are, a fun experience but you have to keep in mind that a lot of people are living away from home and experiencing their freedom for the first time ever)
16. survived my first set of exams, found a place to live for my second year throughout, moved back to my mum's house for the time being.
Summer update:
1. got two new tattoos (making a grand total of five).
2. actually got a summer job.
3. lost my summer job (not my fault, it was babysitting, the mother had quit her job.) and was unable to find a replacement job.
4. shaved half of my head (the sides and the back).
5. took a pole dancing class. (I'm not even close to being sort of sexy).
6. decided that I am not longer going to colour or flat iron my hair (finally going to have a healthy hair journey)
7. went to my third ever annual pride event with K that just so happened to be a pool party (there was lots of alcohol, and lots of dancing, I even took a dip in the pool).
8. E came to visit (then I went to visit her).
9. had my first club experience with K (the worst parts were the sober parts).
10. played a drinking game on the beach.
11. looked for jobs, turned down jobs.
12. hung out with O (on more than one occasion, it was fun).
13. spent more money than I own (learned about the downside to owning a credit card... it's okay, I'm in the green now).
14. obsessed over the fact that I'm moving out at the end of the month. (I'm still obsessing over this, let's be honest.)
15. my ex-girlfriend (yeah, the one from high school, it's complicated... not really, I'm still in love with her, she's not in love with me, she's my kryptonite) decided to leave and then re-enter my life again on multiple occasions. (On this particular occasion she told me I'm beautiful and that she misses me... yes, I'm perfectly aware how unhealthy and emotionally manipulative this all is, I'm trying my best to deal with it.)
16. found a temporary job that won't make me want to kill myself. (hopefully).
17. my mother left to go to Jamaica to attend a funeral.
I'm sure that I did a lot more than that, especially since this was/is my first legal summer in Toronto, but it's 1 in the afternoon and my cramps are kicking my ass, (the KC's have never left), forgive me for not being thorough enough. I'm not perfect, my life is always going to come with a slew of ups and downs, but I am trying to become someone who I won't always hate. I still live with my mental illnesses, I still keep things from the people that I love/care about, I'm still mean and cruel and broken, I still feel like I'm drowning sometimes, but I try not to let that get to me as much these days.
-Peace out girl scouts.
End of blog song: Eyes to the Sky; Jon Bellion
Friday, 7 August 2015
Who knew? Not me, that's who!
Begin of blog song: House of Gold- Twenty One Pilots
I actually thought that I deleted this thing. I can't believe it's still here.
So, I'm back... sort of, I don't know, that's sort of the theme of my life these days; "I don't know". It's fitting, I guess. My first action of being back involved me going through every post ever made on this blog, editing it, and then commenting where I saw fit. One thing is for sure, I am equal parts funny, annoying, angsty, and embarrassing.
I reckon I'm going to get back into the swing of things, see how long I can stay consistent with it all. Tomorrow I'll be posting a life update (pictures and all), a lot has changed.
I want to put it out there that I'm not continuing this blog for the views, I'm doing it because although some parts were painful to look back on, I'm glad that I had something to look at. I live on through my words, it's going to be one hell of a trip when I look back on this site in another three to four years and see how much I've grown and changed.
I've come a long way, and although a lot of things have stayed the same, a lot of things have changed as well, and mostly for the better.
So, I'll see y'all tomorrow. To those of you who have stuck with me, or those of you who will eventually find me in the future, or heck even to future me, thank you. Thanks for carrying on with me.
End of blog song: Not Today- Twenty One Pilots
I actually thought that I deleted this thing. I can't believe it's still here.
So, I'm back... sort of, I don't know, that's sort of the theme of my life these days; "I don't know". It's fitting, I guess. My first action of being back involved me going through every post ever made on this blog, editing it, and then commenting where I saw fit. One thing is for sure, I am equal parts funny, annoying, angsty, and embarrassing.
I reckon I'm going to get back into the swing of things, see how long I can stay consistent with it all. Tomorrow I'll be posting a life update (pictures and all), a lot has changed.
I want to put it out there that I'm not continuing this blog for the views, I'm doing it because although some parts were painful to look back on, I'm glad that I had something to look at. I live on through my words, it's going to be one hell of a trip when I look back on this site in another three to four years and see how much I've grown and changed.
I've come a long way, and although a lot of things have stayed the same, a lot of things have changed as well, and mostly for the better.
So, I'll see y'all tomorrow. To those of you who have stuck with me, or those of you who will eventually find me in the future, or heck even to future me, thank you. Thanks for carrying on with me.
End of blog song: Not Today- Twenty One Pilots
Saturday, 23 November 2013
Long Time No See.
Begin of blog song: Skinny Soul- Family
I came out to my parents. My father disowned me, my mother cried. She still loves me, though, I haven't spoken to my father since I told him, though he did take it upon himself to tell my grandmother about me and ask my mum to kick me out. This was in either the end of August or the beginning of summer. I don't remember.
Remember that girlfriend I talked about before? Well, that's over, more than over, that crashed at 180mph on the highway, and I'm roadkill. She's okay, though, or at the very least she acts okay. I don't know.
Everything's back to normal, everything was like it was before. I still lock myself in my room and cry, I still feel like I'm drowning, I still try to convince myself that someday, someday soon maybe, everything will be okay. The only problem is, I stopped believing myself.
Still writing, I broke my old laptop and lost everything that was on it, I mean everything but that's just my luck eh. Starting over from scratch isn't horrible, I wrote down most of my stuff, either on paper or in my email, so yeah.
I don't know, seems like this is the only place I can turn to, y'know? There really isn't anyone else, or if there is I don't feel comfortable or safe turning to them. So I guess there isn't really anyone. Oh wow, I thought I was past all this, I thought I was finally beginning to accept things and be happy maybe. God, was I ever fucking wrong.
End of blog song: This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco.
I came out to my parents. My father disowned me, my mother cried. She still loves me, though, I haven't spoken to my father since I told him, though he did take it upon himself to tell my grandmother about me and ask my mum to kick me out. This was in either the end of August or the beginning of summer. I don't remember.
Remember that girlfriend I talked about before? Well, that's over, more than over, that crashed at 180mph on the highway, and I'm roadkill. She's okay, though, or at the very least she acts okay. I don't know.
Everything's back to normal, everything was like it was before. I still lock myself in my room and cry, I still feel like I'm drowning, I still try to convince myself that someday, someday soon maybe, everything will be okay. The only problem is, I stopped believing myself.
Still writing, I broke my old laptop and lost everything that was on it, I mean everything but that's just my luck eh. Starting over from scratch isn't horrible, I wrote down most of my stuff, either on paper or in my email, so yeah.
I don't know, seems like this is the only place I can turn to, y'know? There really isn't anyone else, or if there is I don't feel comfortable or safe turning to them. So I guess there isn't really anyone. Oh wow, I thought I was past all this, I thought I was finally beginning to accept things and be happy maybe. God, was I ever fucking wrong.
End of blog song: This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco.
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